Healing with Jin Shin Jyutsu

Jin Shin...What?

I know. I had never heard of it either until recently. Under a fortunate sequence events that seem too good to be true, I met Dave, an energy healer, who offered me unlimited energy healing sessions for free.

I know the initial thought when you hear something like this is, "What's in it for him? ...Be careful. That seems suspicious." Except, it just is exactly what it is... a compassionate man who heard my story, intuited somehow that I could use his help, and so he offered it.

So how did it all happen? 

How did I manage to get a healer behind me, helping me to clear emotional energy and assist in my healing?

Well, first of all, a couple times I found myself wishing that I could do more reiki, but because I'm low on funds, I didn't pursue it. I thought to myself: wouldn't it be great if I had a friend to give me free reiki or energy healing sessions? And then I went about my business and simply forgot about the thought.

Then, a couple weeks later, I decided to join a meditation meet-up group. At the first session, having arrived early, I began talking to Dave, the man sitting right next to me. In his late 40's or perhaps early 50's, with a slight and intellectual demeanor, he looked to me more like a university professor than a "healer". We talked and he told me what he did for a living and I told him briefly about my health challenges. After the meditation meet-up session was over, I was walking out the door, when Dave stopped me and gave me his card, stating that he wants to be part of my "healing project". I thanked him profusely and told him I'd call him.

Glancing later at his card, I noticed the words "Jin Shin Jyutsu". I wanted to jump at the opportunity. But first, I had to google it.

What exactly is Jin Shin Jyutsu? 

In a nutshell, Jin Shin Jyutsu (pronounced Jin Shin Jitsu), is an ancient Japanese modality of energy healing. I like to describe it as a combination of acupuncture (without needles) and reflexology. It involves light touch using the hands and fingers along specific meridians to harmonize the body's energy. The fingers are seen as "jumper cables" igniting stuck energy to move throughout the body. There are 26 points in the body where energy is concentrated and specific energy pathways used to allow the flow of energy in order to balance the mind, body and spirit. Another way to think about it is hands-on meditation.

Similar to acupuncture, Jin Shin Jyutsu can be used for a long list of mental, emotional and physical ailments from alleviating stress, clearing trapped emotions, reliving pain and any other chronic or acute condition. It claims to restore energy levels, mental alertness, eliminate fatigue, and increase memory function.

The Treatments: What to Expect 

That week I had my first session of Jin Shin Jyutsu. Dave spent the first 30 minutes mentoring me. He began giving me a ton of literature, books and mentorship. "Change your story", he told me. "Don't give energy or momentum to the illness, to the word 'cancer', which evokes a lot of unnecessary fear... Think that it's already done... Give and receive love through hugs, which are also healing... When you drink water, remember it's not just water. The molecules of water can be altered depending on the energy you put toward the water. Send healing energy toward the water before you drink it". The more he spoke, the more I realized how much of a spiritual teacher he was. I just LOVED and appreciated that I was not only getting FREE energy healing sessions (which I try to pay for but he refuses), but spiritual guidance as well.

Treatments involve lying on a "massage" table fully clothed while he places his hands on various meridian points and holding them there for a few minutes. It's very relaxing and I simply focus on my breathing and visualize stuck energy flowing through my body. I've had 4 treatments and both during and after each session, I feel amazing, similar to how I feel after having had a great massage. After each session, I feel so ethereal that I have to take a 10-15 minute walk to ground myself before I can drive.

Jin Shin Jyutsu can be easily learned and practiced on your own just like Qigong. If you check out some youtube videos, you can teach yourself some simple techniques to incorporate in your everyday life. For example, if you are feeling worried, simply hold one of your thumbs for 3-5 minutes while focusing on your breath, making your breaths longer and more relaxed. It sounds too simple to be effective, but it works. As always, don't knock it until you've tried it.

I love the fact that I simply had the thought of wanting free energy healing, and a couple weeks later I met Dave. I had been thinking of reiki, but really it was just the energy healing that I was wanting. Not only that, but he takes time to also provide healing guidance as well. I am so grateful for this gift!

Energy Healing: 

Energy healing, for those who are unfamiliar with the concept, involves the manipulation of energy (usually) through a practitioner who uses his/her hands (or needles in acupuncture) to remove energetic blocks and restore the flow of energy within a clients' body. Most energy healing modalities are based on ancient eastern practices. However, even massage can be considered energy healing.

I've been reading more and more about how effective energy healing can be. I know many people are skeptical or don't buy into it, and you don't have to. But the more I read about it, especially the science behind it, the more I realize its value especially for healing. More and more studies are coming out demonstrating evidence that energy healing methods such as reiki, jin shin jyutsu, acupuncture, EFT, Qigong, etc. are in fact helpful for healing serious chronic illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. (see below for links to studies) It's not so much that these practices claim to directly heal the ailment, but rather that they release trapped energy so that the body can heal itself.

I'm currently reading a book, "Mind to Matter" by Dawson Church, which explains the science behind energy healing. It's full of mind-blowing facts. For example, studies have demonstrated that cancer can be found in the electromagnetic field surrounding the human body before it manifests in the physical human body. I'm excited about the future of medicine as it's beginning to incorporate more eastern, holistic medical practices including energy healing. I read that some hospitals are incorporating reiki and my insurance, Kaiser, referred me to an on-site acupuncturist, who I've also been receiving treatments from as well.

Try it Out! 

Anyway, ask and you shall receive. If you are interested in trying Jin Shin Jyutsu, and are in San Diego, I highly recommend my friend Dave whose office is in Encinitas. (jsjwithdave@gmail.com) You will not be disappointed.

If you meet him, he will tell you his own amazing story on why he got into jin shin jyutsu himself. It involved a skiing accident and a knee injury that was completely healed through jin shin jyutsu. "I've seen and experienced miracles", he tells me.

Try Jin Shin Jyutsu on your own at home. By holding each finger for 3-5 minutes with your opposite hand while taking slow relaxed breaths, you will harmonize the whole body. Do this for both hands.

Alternatively, if you are feeling worried, hold the thumb for 3-5 minutes to relieve the feeling. If you feel anger, fear, grief or pretense (over-trying), simply hold the corresponding finger for 3-5 minutes.

Simple, yet powerful.

Studies on the Efficacy of Energy Healing 

Distant Energy Healing on AIDS patients 
Disappearing tumors in mice via energy healing

And I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

Months ago I read a beautiful memoir in which the author had been diagnosed with bone cancer and had to have his right leg amputated right below the hip at the age of 25. His cancer returned a year later but was inoperable. After exhausting all treatment including chemotherapy and radiation, the cancer persisted and he was given only a few months left to live. A friend, a spiritual guru-type of friend, suggested the idea of trying to heal his body through meditation. He decided that he had nothing to lose and would give it a shot. Long story short, he did heal himself through meditation and guided imagery, and now is a meditation teacher, facilitating workshops to others on how to heal using the methods he used.

One part of the book that really stuck out to me was when he said that his quality of life now, with one leg, was much better than before, when he'd had two legs. In other words, he was happier now, more content, more at peace with one leg. When I first read that, I was a bit incredulous, yet now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I realize that his contentment most likely stems from what he had learned along the way, through meditation, through healing that brought greater perspective and understanding about the big picture in life. By helping others through his work, he is part of something bigger than himself. He is giving back. He is serving others through his talents and abilities. He is living on purpose.

Now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I can comprehend this feeling through my own experience. I've known and read that overall joy, happiness, contentment is "an inside job", not dependent on our circumstances, and having more to do with perspective and mindset. But I never really experienced it in such a way, until recently.

Would you believe me if I told you that despite no change in my circumstances, despite having a life-threatening health issue, including a scary 14cm tumor threatening to invade my internal organs, I've never felt more at peace than I do now. Call it divine intervention, spiritual surrender, whatever it may be, a serene sense of love has invaded the core of my being and I feel....just at peace. I guess I wouldn't call it "happy" necessarily, but peaceful, content.

Isn't it strange? I feel content, at peace, loving, grateful and serenity, but for no reason. I honestly am at this place where don't mind that I can't surf, or run, go to bootcamp, take a yoga class or do a lot of the things that I used to be able to do, but no longer can. I honestly just don't think about those things. When I was first diagnosed, I used to cry seeing surfers when the waves were just perfect, I now simply watch them with authentic happiness on their behalf. For that guy that just scored an awesome right: I am so stoked for him. I no longer look at healthy people with envy. I see them as loving beings, extensions of myself, my brothers and sisters.

Before my diagnosis, my life was great. I feel I was mostly happy, but stressed out. Impatient. In the back of my mind there were always a million things that I had to do. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. I shouldn't be surfing, I should be working. I had a set list of goals and was always striving to be somewhere I wasn't. I lived in a state of selfish individual pursuit of goals and pleasure. There were so many social events and engagements on the weekends that I never had much time to read that book, meditate or take in much needed quiet time. Deep down, I wanted to be volunteering, giving back. Part of something bigger than myself. And don't let me forget the perpetual stress of always trying to lose weight and be perfect in order to feel like I was enough. I spent so much time and energy trying to be perfect, that I never had the energy to just be myself, or think about the bigger picture.

Recently, I've come into a space of spiritual surrender. I don't know the future. I don't care much about future achievements, how I look or what I "should" be doing. I appreciate the fact that this time has allowed me to read some amazing books, meditate and journal. Doing these things has helped me see a bigger, more clear picture about life. Facing mortality forces us to perceive things differently. We have always heard the cliches that happiness is an inside job, that money doesn't buy happiness, etc. Now, I feel that.

Despite the health issues, I wake up with gratitude. It's almost as if I have forgotten about the cancer, maybe because I don't focus on it. I've been staying focused on all the wonderful things that are in my life, plus the fact that I am not in pain, and I've embraced the unknown. I've detached from the notion that I absolutely have to heal. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I am still doing everything in my power to heal, but I've gotten to a place where I'm okay with any outcome. Whatever happens, happens. I just pray for God's will to come through. I've shed a lot of fears. I'm not afraid to die, though I'm not planning to anytime soon. I believe that where I'll go after death is a more beautiful and loving place than earth. I'm not afraid of the tumor (just kidding :) I kinda am, but trying not to be). I'm not afraid of my illness. I am open to whatever it has to teach me. I am still afraid of suffering and pain, I'll admit. I still need to work on that, among other things.

I'm focusing more on the emotional and spiritual side of healing, which entails a lot of the ideas behind the mind-body connection, how our thought and emotions can contribute to dis-ease in the body. I've been reading books by Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love), Dr. Joe Dispenza (Becoming Supernatural, Evolve the Brain) and Ekhart Tolle (The Power of Now). The lessons in these books have been beautiful and life-changing for me. I've been engaging in mediation, prayer and EFT, which have also helped me a lot.

One thing I was listening to from Dr. Joe Dispenza on YouTube today was that the more stressed we are, the more we are focused on survival emotions, and the more we are focused on our hair, makeup, clothes, how much we weigh, the kind of car we drive, selfish pursuits, time, etc. This gives rise to stress hormones, which can create dis-ease in the body.

On the other hand, when we are focused on elevated emotions of love, gratitude, peace, empowerment, selflessness, inspiration, our bodies cannot secrete stress hormones, and we focus more on our internal environment, selflessness, connecting with others, giving back, and will thus, be more at peace.

Besides this, physically, I've been doing very well. I've been going on 1-2 hour hikes behind my house. I've been driving without pain most of the time, and haven't been held back from doing much, which is great. I think I'm ready to start working, but I want to see myself this way on a consistent basis before I commit. Plus, there's still the possibility of surgery in the near future. Oh yeah, and tumor is stable. Crossing my fingers that all this peacefulness and positivity sticks. :)

As always, I appreciate all the love, light, prayers and healing thoughts sent my way. Thank you for reading. Leave me a comment. Let me know your thoughts :)

Growing Pains

I'm sorry I don't have good news to share with you. My tumor is not shrinking, and to be frank, I'm a little tired of being asked about it. "Has it shrunk yet?" or the simple question of "What's the latest with the tumor?" Every time I've been asked that question, I've had pretty much the same answer, and that is "no change".

I know people mean well, so I don't take it personally. I genuinely enjoy when friends reach out to see how I'm doing in general, but I've grown tired and weary of giving the same old answer or going over specifics of the latest MRI results or when my next MRI will be. Plus, as I stated in my previous posts, it takes 6 months to 2 years for the radiation to work. It does not usually start shrinking tumors immediately, at least in the case of Chordoma. These days, I'm all about hearing what's going on in other people's lives.

What I had been expecting in the latest MRI, (Dec. 30) for that reason, is that it would be the same size, "no change", although, of course, I really hope for shrinkage or deep down, total disappearance of this whole thing. Spontaneous remission. All healed. As if none of it had ever happened. I know it could happen. It's happened to others. But that's not what happened to me, at least not yet (fingers still crossed).

So what did the MRI report?

It didn't disappear. It didn't get smaller. It didn't stay the same size. It grew BIGGER.

This was the one option that I had not even glossed over in my thoughts. Before radiation treatments I was told that the worst most unlikely thing that could happen after treatment would be that it continue growing. But I was reassured that this would be an extremely rare occurrence, so I pretty much decided that it wouldn't happen to me.

So, upon seeing that it GREW in my MRI report, I was shocked, devastated and, between choking out the words to my mom that I was going to die, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Seriously, how could it have grown? I totally lost it. It never even crossed my mind that it would grow after radiation therapy.

I started to ask myself disempowering questions that only made me feel worse. Why didn't I just get surgery? Why was I so stupid? Why is this happening?

My sisters came over. We had a family reunion. It's so good to have family. I talked about the reasons why it could have grown. Was I eating the wrong things? Was it the supplements? Was it just the nature of the tumor? Was it because I stopped doing certain things? I felt so helpless. In June I went to Brazil to see a spiritual healer. In August I dropped $30,000 on an in-patient cancer clinic in Mexico. I went through 43 rounds of 77Gy doses of radiation. I spend my days and nights in meditation and prayer, along with several rounds of energy healing, coupled with a healing diet, And it's still growing.

My sister Rachel helped me realize that I shouldn't feel so stupid about choosing radiation over surgery because I could have had the surgery, then had a reoccurrence (a ~40% chance) and beat myself up over not having had radiation instead. It's hard. I'll never know what would have been the better decision.

Up until this point, I had 100% expected to get past this. I was confident this cancer experience would just be a blip on the radar that I would get through and look back on as something that helped me grow stronger. A challenge to go through just like everyone else. But this. This caused doubts to creep in. Doubts that had never been there before. Doubts about living a full life. Doubts about being able to get past this. Dark thoughts consumed me and I felt tired. Tired of fighting. Ready to give up. I told God before I went to bed that night that it would be Ok with me if I didn't wake up. I just didn't want to go through this anymore.

The next morning I spoke with a patient navigator at the Chordoma Foundation who suggested that I have my tumor sample re-tested because it's possible that I was mis-diagnosed with the type of Chordoma. There are 4 types and I was diagnosed with the conventional, slow-growing type, but since this has been more aggressive and most pathologists don't know the latest techniques on diagnosing the sub-types, she thought that perhaps I may have the more aggressive sub-type. If this is the case, it would explain a lot, but we hope that it is not the case, since this type has a much worse prognosis. She also suggested getting into contact with the UCLA surgeon and see if I'm still a candidate for surgery. So that's what I did and they said that I am a candidate for surgery, but I would be in the hospital for longer and there would be difficulty with the wound healing. They were very concerned that it was still growing and requested copies of my imaging. So I requested another test of my biopsy sample and sent off my imaging to UCLA surgeons.

That afternoon, I spoke to my radio-oncologist, the guy that treated me with the 43 rounds of radiation and had told me that it would be very, very rare for my tumor to continue growing after the radiation. However, he said that when he uploads the images on the computer, the tumor looks like it grew a tiny bit, only millimeters larger than the last one that was done six weeks prior. He said it looks "stable", like there's not enough growth to be heading for surgery. He said that the growth could be "pseudo-progression", meaning swelling or inflammation due to the treatment, not real growth. So, he suggested me getting another MRI in one month to see if that's the case.

I went into his office a few days later and he showed me the last 4-5 MRI's and it's true that there didn't seem to be much difference in the size as far as I could tell. Also, because it's an odd shape, it's hard to measure and the numbers that are reported in the written report should be taken with a grain of salt, because it simply depends on which angle they're measuring from. After seeing him and the images, I did feel better. Maybe it is pseudo-progression.

A few days later, I received an updated MRI report from Kaiser (because the previous one was compared to June, and the radiologist insisted it be compared to the latest one done in Aug. and the one done in Nov). It stated "slow, significant growth" since August. It also stated the dimensions as well for each MRI. According to the report, it seems that the tumor had been growing throughout radiation and afterwards, though slowly. But if that's the case, it also seems that I was being lied to by the radiologist who told me each week during radiation that it was the same. "No change".

So, as of now, I don't really know what's going on. It's bigger. But that could be due to pseudo-progression. Or it could be because it really is growing. Another MRI is next week which will give us  (hopefully) more information. In the meantime, I'm getting the ball rolling to possibly have the surgery, or go into clinical trials.

I'm feeling a lot better mentally. I've overcome the dark thoughts and re-centered, focusing on gratitude and what I can do. I'm so grateful for my family, my friends and the somewhat normal life that I'm still able to maintain. I'm not in as much pain as I was a few weeks ago. I'm still able to go for long walks and drive short distances. In December, I tried tapering off a medication and unfortunately this made my pain much worse, so I went back on and have been doing much better since. As long as I can walk outside in the fresh outdoors, I am more than happy. I'm enjoying the time to read, journal, meditate, meet with friends, pray and write.

I tried to return to work, but my pain flared up unexpectedly a week before classes started, sadly causing me to cancel on going back to work. A few days later, however, I started to feel better as if I were able to go back to work. But I missed the boat. Perhaps next semester. It's as if my pain is my guidance system and I wasn't meant to go back to work just yet. Trying my best to stay positive and surrender to the ups and downs. This is a real-life rollercoaster.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers, positive vibes and support. I am so grateful for everyone! Thank you for reading.

New Years Resolutions

I can tell I've changed a lot this year because when I started to think about new years resolutions, this year was much different from previous years.

My new years' resolutions for 2018 (any many previous years) involved losing ten pounds, saving money, paying off debt and getting promoted (for more money).

While the specific details are not yet nailed down, my new years' resolutions for 2019 involve:

• spending more time with loved ones
• Volunteering
• being present and more connected to my students while I'm teaching
• being in a state of love, gratitude and appreciation as much as possible throughout the day 
• Giving more (being more of a giver than a taker) 
• Finding ways to serve others 
• Stop caring what others think 

Can you see the shift? In previous years I had always made resolutions and goals that involved my own personal benefit. There is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight or wanting a promotion, but these were all for superficial reasons like wanting to look good in a bikini and wanting a bigger salary. If you want to lose weight for health reasons, to be able to stick around longer for your kids and grandkids, that's a completely different thing. If you want to earn more money to be better able to care for your family's needs, that's different from my underlying reasons for wanting a higher salary which basically involved more shopping and surf trips for me, and me alone. 

As 2019 approaches, I realize that my resolutions involve serving and connecting with others. While I never saw my diagnosis as a death sentence, there's nothing like a life-threatening illness to make you see the bigger picture. The bigger picture. Sure, losing ten pounds and finding your jeans a little bit looser is nice, but when I die, I'm not going to care about that, nor is that going to foster genuine and meaningful happiness. A promotion or a raise is great. But what is that extra money going to buy that will really make you happier? I mean, genuine, meaningful happiness. I guess it could if you use the extra money to spend on others, towards the needy. 

One of the first things I thought about when I was diagnosed with cancer was....I'm not ready to die yet because I haven't done anything to contribute. I had this overwhelming feeling of desire to contribute to something bigger than myself. Not in some grand way necessarily, but I came here to serve those less fortunate. I also thought about the fact that my whole life had been about fun and pleasure: surfing, salsa dancing, traveling, and anything that I wanted to do. I lived a very selfish existence when I know I came here to have a more selfless existence. I wasn't being true to myself. My whole life has been about me, when my whole life really is about others. 

I hope everyone reading this has a Happy New Year! Thank you to everyone for your continued love, prayers and support. Hope you all had a great Christmas!! 

Turning 36 years Young

My beautiful and amazing older sister April arranged for me to have my first ever blow-out at a blow bar, by a 22 year-old gay guy named Haze. Now, before you get your head stuck in a gutter, for those who are unfamiliar with the term, "blow-out", it means my hair got washed and blow-dried, curled, ironed and pumped with all kinds of products, plus 2 liters of hair-spray, and who knows what else they did to make my hair look amazing.

I told Haze, my male hair-designer/ new gay BFF,  that it was my 36th birthday. And then he said....."Wow! You don't even look 26!" I could have hugged him right then and there. "Not even 26?!" I didn't correct him. When he offered me a second mimosa before he had even finished washing my hair, I decided then and there he was getting a big tip. I decided to look past the fact that my mimosa now tasted like hairspray.

Now, with red-carpet hair, and 2 hairspray flavored mimosas down, we made our way over to Eve Encinitas, my FAVORITE vegan, mostly-gluten free restaurant, and SURPRISE, SURPRISE! All my friends. My sister April surprised me by reserving a big table and inviting all my friends, many whom I hadn't seen in a while. So fun. 

This was definitely a different birthday in the sense that I had no desire to go out and party. I mostly just wanted a quiet birthday, so a nice vegan lunch with friends and a blowout with free mimosas, not to mention the far-fetched comment that I looked way too young to be 26 made for a perfect day. The day also started out with a solo hike and a solo sunset walk along the shore. 

Turning 36. Another year older. I really have no complaints about getting older. I wouldn't trade my 36 year-old self for my 26-year-old self. That was just a disaster. Yeah, life was fun and lots of parties, but no, thanks. I prefer the older, wiser, more cognizant version of myself. I still feel this way even after the hard toll that my body has undergone this year. I aged a lot this year, in a lot of different ways. At my frailest point, just a couple months ago, I felt as if my body were that of an 80 year old. For a few weeks, I even walked with a walker. But then a few weeks later, when I got my strength back, I was using the walker to sit on, riding downhill on my street, catching enough speed to feel young again.

And many people don't know this, because, it's fairly new information, but I will let you in on a secret: aging is actually somewhat reversible. Reversible? Aging? What? Yeah, you heard right. Reversible. I'm not talking Benjamin Button style, but say you smoked cigarettes for 10 years and then quit, took up an ultra-healthy diet and became a yoga instructor. The damage that you did from smoking those 10 years could possibly be reversed. There's a lot of research coming out in support of the fact that certain factors, what we put into our body, our lifestyle and even how connected we are, play a role in the aging process, and that aging could even be reversed. Wow.

I bring this up because it gives me hope that all the "aging" I've gone through this year (with all the treatments, medications and stress) could be only temporary as I work on getting my strength back and getting back to my healthy self. 

I recently read an article that discussed a recent study demonstrating that our attitudes about getting older play a role in how we age physically and mentally. The study found that participants who had a positive attitude about getting older had actually aged less than those with the same age who had a negative attitude about getting older. So instead of worrying about getting older, instead of getting botox, we should just embrace that number, detach from it. It's just a number. Cliche, I know. But, the crazy thing is that if you have a negative attitude toward aging, that is you dread turning 40, 50, 60, etc., you may be unintentionally giving yourself more gray hairs, more wrinkles and shortening your telomeres. (read more about it here) 

There are two numbers that I'm personally trying to detach from. My age and my weight. In our culture, for women, the younger and the thinner, the better. It's hard to overcome cultural brainwashing, but once you identify the cultural undertow, you can choose your own attitude toward age. I say embrace it!  

The Power of Gratitude

Less than two months ago, I found myself in severe pain, unable to walk more than a few steps, stay standing or seated for more than a few seconds, or even sit up in a car, let alone drive. I went from feeling like I went from a young, healthy 35-year-old to a crippled 90-year-old overnight.

Pain, tumor, biopsy, cancer. Thoughts of death front and center. Everything that had occupied my life was suddenly taken from me. My independence. Gone. My job. Gone. Surfing, Can’t. Happy Hour. Raincheck.

It became really easy to slip down the dark path of “why me?” “Seriously, God, why me?” as I teetered at the edge of depression, wallowing into a pit of hopelessness, wondering whether my life was even worth living…

In fact, the only real reason why I didn’t slip into a total depression was because gratitude. Gratitude was and is my saving grace. I never allowed myself to wallow in the hopeless mental space for long. I got out by focusing on what I did have to be thankful for. So I couldn’t walk, stand, sit or drive, but what could I do? What did I have? What did I still have to live for?

I can talk. I can write. I can read. I can watch the sunset from my backyard. I have a wonderful family and an amazing group of friends, all who make my life worth living. I also have goals that I want to accomplish, plans and projects to make the world a better place in some small way.

I focused daily on these things. And really zeroed in on them one at a time. Take the ability to walk, for example. I’m grateful that I have the ability to walk, and I’m sure you are too. Maybe you’ve never thought about that, but really think about it. What if you were unable to walk?

And that’s when I realized how much I had taken for granted. I never appreciated my ability to walk or run. Though I am now able to walk, I still can’t run. I would give anything to be able to run down the street right now. How great it is to have legs that get you to and fro without effort. Jay-walking is not really an option anymore. Just a few minutes ago, I slowly and with much effort climbed up the stairs to get a towel, but wished I could just run upstairs taking two at a time. I saw the news showing the annual Oceanside “Turkey Trot” and wished I could be there running alongside the runners. I was envious. I took it for granted. My body. My physical ability. My mobility. It’s all so valuable. I had never appreciated my young, healthy, strong, pain-free body.

So now, I appreciate it. Being pain-free in the moments that I am without pain. That I can take deep breaths. I really appreciate that I can walk. I appreciate that I can now stand, and sit and drive. I still have cancer, but it’s not going to stop me from having things to be grateful for and having a meaningful life. In fact, in the midst of a crisis or any hardship, being centered on gratitude is key.

I focus on the feeling gratitude for the big things like friends and family. I think about each person in my life, how happy I am to have them in my life and all that they’ve done for me, given me, taught me, etc. Sometimes, I sit and write thankyou letters to these people, not because it makes them feel better to receive it, but because it makes me feel better to be grateful.

The little things also matter. Taking a shower this evening, I was grateful for the hot water. Something I didn’t have when I lived in El Salvador. I also was thankful for the new soft towels that my mom bought for me, which I’m pretty sure are the softest towels I’ve ever touched. Also, my own bathroom. I’ve had to share a bathroom before, no big deal. But I’m pretty sure that if I’d been born in rural India, I’d be sharing a bathroom with 12 people, so I just have to be grateful for that too.

But I wasn't just grateful for the good things in my life. I was also grateful for the negative--not my diagnosis, but what my diagnosis was teaching me about life. I know that I will grow, become a better person, and develop strength from this seemingly awful circumstance. It only becomes "awful" once you label it so. Bethany Hamilton, a professional surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack, stated that she would not take anything back because the event that occurred enabled her to develop and become the person she is today, and it enabled her to reach out to others and inspire them. I just watched a viral video going around social media where a woman lost both her legs at 19 due to a serious illness and now designs prosthetic legs and footwear for snowboarding. She became the first female to win a silver medal in the special olympics for snowboarding. She too, stated that she would not take anything back about her experience if she could because it enabled her to become the fantastic person that she is today. And by "fantastic" I mean strong, resilient, courageous, and evolved. 

What also helped me through was keeping a daily gratitude journal writing down three things that happened the previous day that I’m thankful for. It might look something like this:

1.   Today my mom bought me beautiful flowers. Love them!

2.   I’m grateful that I got to see my sister’s new puppy and play with him.

3.   I’m grateful that my niece came over to visit me today. 

Some may think it sounds a little cheesy or overrated, yet we shouldn’t focus only one day a year on being grateful. If you really want to change your life for the better, or if you want to better deal with hardships, a gratitude practice should be front and center 365 days a year.

Rounding 3rd base...heading for home

Hello All,

I have only ONE more week of proton beam radiation treatments. I've completed 38 out of 43 treatments to be more specific. This is quite an exciting accomplishment since I had nearly quit twice. I have had recent scans done which show that the tumor has definitely stopped growing and is stable. Goal number one achieved. Of course, shrinkage is goal number 2, which most likely will happen post-treatment. According to other studies and people that I have talked to with the same type of cancer who also had proton therapy, it can shrink slowly over the next 2 years. So, we're of course crossing our fingers and praying for shrinkage, hoping it'll happen faster instead of slowly.

As for my physical condition, I have nothing but positives to report. I am standing all day long, no problem.  A couple days ago, for the first time in weeks, I got in the kitchen to actually bake something. Also, equally exciting, I can sit for extended periods of time. I just ate at a sit-down restaurant tonight for the first time in two months. Previously, I was only able to sit for a few minutes at a time before I'd need to lie down on my stomach to get some pain relief. I can also walk, without a walker. I still have to walk a little slower than I'm used to with a subtle limp due to the nerve damage to the S1 nerve that may or may not resolve. I'm also back to yoga. I stopped after being depressed by the decreasing number of yoga positions I could do. Now, I'm getting back into my body, happy that I stretch and twist and get into positions that no longer cause me pain. There's of course a lot that I still can't do, but I'm focusing more on what I CAN do. 

It's been this way for two weeks, and the most important fact that I almost forgot to mention: pain at bay! Well, a little pain could come up here and there from dancing a little too zealously when my song comes on, BUT there has been no pain flair-ups, which is absolutely amazing because that alone makes life worth living. Not being in pain. I will probably never take a pain-free existence for granted again. I mean, I'm still on pain medication, but it's managed. Life can go on. 

So, after six weeks of horrible pain, not going anywhere except to my proton beam radiation treatments...After six weeks of being bound to my bed, unable to stand or sit longer than a few minutes, having to ride in the car lying flat on my stomach, unable to make my own meals, unable to walk more than a few feet with a walker, suddenly everything is different. 

I no longer need to lay down in the car, I can sit up in the passenger seat like a normal person. I also had my first outings this past week. One to the beach. Another to church, and just this evening to a restaurant. A social outing. Wow. It feels so great to start getting little pieces of my life back. 

It's hard not to get ahead of myself and just want everything to be back to normal right now. But, now I'm fixated on the one thing that really is keeping me from total independence: driving. I actually tried driving this week, but I am just not able to without pain. Because my sacrum has been destroyed due to the tumor, any position in which I'm sitting that puts pressure on the sacrum causes pain. Therefore, when I do sit, I lean to the right side and put the weight on my right hip. Or, I can sit at the edge of a seat, with my knees at a 90 degree angle, putting the weight on my lower sit bones. However, driving requires me to sit back with my legs out in front of me putting pressure on the sacrum. This causes pain. And it doesn't help that I have a stick shift which causes the sciatic pain to flare up when I push in the clutch. My next idea is to try driving automatic cars to see if I can sit and drive with my weight shifted to the right slightly since I'd only have to use one leg. Then, if that still isn't comfortable, I'm thinking of a scooter or motorcycle, not because it sounds totally fun, but because of the forward sitting position. Plus, I just so happen to have my motorcycle license. I should use it. 

Another achievement is that I've started tapering off some pain medications with success. I went from being the kind of person who refused to take advil or tylenol to a person who was on 9 different types of pain medication. Yikes. Now I'm down to 6. 

I'm also thinking about other things that I want to try out soon: swimming, surfing, road trips etc. Yes, yes, one thing at a time. 

That's the latest. I'm so excited and grateful that all these positives have been happening. I hope it continues to stay that way. Thank you again for reading my blog, for your prayers and all your continued support.