Winning!!!

Hi Everyone,

It's been a while since my last post, and an update is way overdue. The reason why I haven't posted in so long is because I've gone back to work full-time! I'm back at UCSD Mon-Friday, and I've been doing great. Energy levels are up and I'm having no problems getting through my day. The last time I was at work full-time was over a year ago, so working part-time is great, but working full-time is even better and gives me the feeling of stepping back into life, and leaving behind a very painful and traumatic year. 

So, some close friends and family already know this, but I have news to share. But before I share, let me take a step back and give you the history of my previous MRI's. 

• 4/18/18 .......Tumor --7.1 x 5.6 cm (size of an egg) 
• 6/26/18 .......Tumor --9.6 x 7.6 cm (about the size of a grapefruit) 
• 7/18/18 .......Tumor --10 x 7.9 x 6.8 cm 
• (after this one, I just stopped trying to conceptualize size.) 
• 8/24/18 .......Tumor --11.7 x 8.8 cm 
• 11/12/18 .....Tumor --13.4 x 10 x 12 cm 
• 12/30/18 .....Tumor --13.7 x 10.4 x 12 cm 
• 02/01/19 .....Tumor --14.1 x 10.7 x 12 cm

If you've never had cancer, or a tumor in your body, it might be hard to imagine how insanely scary it is to have an abnormal, life threatening, ever expanding growth taking over your body, invading your organs, taking over nerves and getting bigger and bigger despite very large doses of radiation and 100 other things you are trying to do to stop this thing, turn it around, and basically fight for your life. 

In February, after I saw 14cm, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. But I kept holding on, believing that it would turn around. I didn't know how big it would get, and I couldn't be 100% sure, but I kept just believing that everything would work out, that everything would be Ok. So even though part of me was freaking out, the other part of me was calm. 

In March, I started to feel significantly better and noticed a lot of changes (as you probably read in the last post). But I also didn't think it was due to shrinkage because I still felt the tumor to be about the same size. Well, anyway, in May, I had my most recent scan.

After my scan was finished, I the radiology tech (who was also present at my last scan) asked me, "So what did you do differently this time?" I said, "Nothing, my radiation treatment finished 6 months ago....why?". "Oh, no reason". I didn't think anything of this. "Ok, 3-5 business days to get your results", he said. 

I expected to have high anxiety for the next week, since every previous scan had taken about 5-7 days for them to get back to me with the results. 

The very next morning, I woke up and saw an email that I had been awarded a scholarship all expenses paid to attend  weeklong meditation and healing retreat in Portland, Oregon in July! This retreat (Dr.Joe Dispenza) had 800 available seats and sold out within 4 hours. And it costs over $2000. I was so happy!!! 

Since January, I have been reading books from the author Dr. Joe Dispenza and doing his meditations daily. Doing the meditations was a big turn-around for me, with my mindset. Although I had been meditating since 2016, I noticed different effects with his guided meditations. I started to feel more at peace and less fearful. So I became a big fan of his work, and sent in an application for a scholarship to attend his meditation retreat. I had totally forgotten about it, and when I realized that I had won the scholarship, I felt like I had won the lottery. I was so happy and didn't think that my day could get any better. Except that it did. 

Not even a couple hours later, after running an errand, I walked into the house and my mom stated, "Kaiser called and they said your tumor shrunk." 

Whaaaaaattttt!!!!!!???????? Shrunk??? 

I ran over to my computer, logged into my Kaiser account and saw the report there. And here is what I first saw on the report: 

05/01/19: Tumor--12.7 x 9.6 x 10.9 

Yes!! FINALLY shrinkage. Thank you God! 

Of course, I'm not out of the woods yet, and honestly, even when people are in remission, they are never out of the woods because there's always the high chance of a recurrence. Regardless of a tumor disappearing, or shrinking there will always be the need to make my health the number one priority in my life. But this is finally headed in the right direction. The tables have turned and I've gained the upper hand. I'm headed in the direction of healing. 

A couple days later, I met with my radio-oncologist who confirmed the shrinkage in the imaging as well as the report and said 4 months until the next MRI, which seems like forever since I'm so used to getting them every 2-3 months. But, he said, "Now that it's headed in the right direction, we don't need to scan you as often". And this is fine by me. MRI's can also increase cancer risk due to the high amounts of radiation. Plus, they cause large amounts of anxiety, called "Scanxiety". But anyway.... 

I was so excited! Free scholarship to a retreat, AND tumor shrinkage?! Thank you God! :) 

A few days later, I woke up one morning and it just hit me that there is a connection between my meditations and tumor shrinkage. I didn't think about it before, but the fact that the news of the tumor shrinkage and the the scholarship to the meditation retreat were on the same day, just within a couple hours of each other, sends a message from the universe that the two are connected. The shrinkage could be due to many reasons, the most logical being a delayed response to the radiation. However, I felt that the universe was telling me that I am healing due to my meditation practice. Not just any meditation practice, it's a very intense hour-long, guided meditation that I've been doing religiously every morning. 

It could be just a coincidence, but the mind is a powerful thing, and I don't doubt people who have used their minds to heal. Maybe I'm just starting to tap into that. Maybe not. We shall see. 

The funny thing is that everyone has their own opinion on what's causing the shrinkage. The radio-oncologist of course, says it's a delayed response to the radiation. My chiropractor also alluded to the fact that ever since I started coming in, I've just been getting better and better. My oncologist at the Mexico retreat center, where I spent 3 weeks last summer, and a lot of $$$, says that it's a delayed response to the dendritic cell vaccine. My naturopath says it's most likely because of the 500+ supplements she has me taking every day. Family members would say it's because of their prayers finally being answered. I’m sure it could be all of these things especially the latter. Could it also be my faith that I knew everything somehow, someway would be Ok? 

Everyone can have their own opinion, and that's Ok with me. I think everyone is right. I don't believe in snake oil, and have learned that what often heals cancer is the synergy between all things working together. 

Anyway, the important point is that I'm winning. Winning scholarships and winning the war on cancer. Thank you for reading and have an amazing day!! :) 

Miracles Underway

Dearest Friends and Family, I've been doing so well, miraculously well. Amazing things have been happening since my last post. Miracles are unfolding.

Miracle 1: Back to Teaching 

That's right; I've been feeling so great that I've gone back to work part-time. It's been amazing to be back at UCSD. My colleagues are all so supportive and amazing to work with. I get giddy after teaching my classes. I missed being totally immersed in the teaching experience in which 2 hours of teaching feels like 10 minutes. Love it!

Miracle 2: Totally Pain-Free

Even just a few weeks ago, I would get some pain if I was driving for more than 40 minutes or so. But now, I am experiencing ZERO pain regardless of how long I'm driving. In fact, I am experiencing zero pain in any activity! (fingers crossed :)) This is the absolute BEST part of anything that has happened by far. I do have some discomfort at times, but this is nothing compared to the level of pain that I had experienced months prior. Not even close.

Miracle 3: Back to dancing 

It started with dancing in front of my mirror at home. Then, I proceeded to Zumba. Then, Cumbia and Salsa live (not in my room but actually in public). I'm getting back into the groove. The Shakira-shakin' groove of things. If you know me, you know how much music and dancing enlivens my soul and makes my heart sing.

Cumbia /Salsa dancing at Hacienda de Vega 

Miracle 4: Loving life again 

My whole life, through the lowest of lows, I had never experienced lows like I experienced this past year. During all the ups and downs in my life, I am lucky enough to never have experienced depression. But I got a real taste of it this year when the physical pain that I experienced from the tumor made me want to give up on life at times. I was never suicidal, but at times I just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up so I wouldn't have to deal with the excruciating, unrelenting pain. There was a point when every time I had to get up, it felt like a knife ripping through my sciatic nerve. "Was this going to be my new normal?" I often wondered. There was so much uncertainty. But not anymore. I feel I'm past it.

These days, I've been able to maintain high spirits without any low points. I can't remember the last sad day that I've had or the last time I've cried because ever since  a few months ago, I only find myself in good moods alternating between being at peace, excited, relaxed, at ease, grateful, inspired, etc. I'm just happy to be alive. To be living a pain-free existence. I'm grateful for every day.

I look back at what I've gone through at times, and it almost feels like it happened to somebody else, not me. I'm amazed at the amount of pain I endured. It's amazing the amount of pain (physical or psychological) we are capable of going through. Humans are resilient. I know that I couldn't have done it alone. I got through it because of God, my parents, my sisters and my friends. They all gave me the strength that I needed and I will be forever grateful.

Miracle 5: Increased mobility 

I'm walking faster, getting up, getting down, in and out faster. My physical ability is improving day by day. Previously I felt as if I had the body of an 80-year-old. I needed assistance getting up, getting down, getting in and getting out. I walked at a snail's pace at times. Now, I feel like I have my 36 year old body back and that feels amazing. It's still not perfect, but I appreciate my body and everything it's capable of.

Miracle 6: Decreased pain meds 

Another miracle is that I've been able to reduce my pain medications significantly and am continuing to do so slowly, step by step, milligram by milligram. I won't go into details on the level of pain medications that I've been on, but I will tell you that it was enough to make the doctors very concerned. When there's something the size of a large melon wrapped around several nerve roots invading your sciatic nerve and several organs, it takes a lot of pain medication. I tried reducing them months ago, only to experience horrible pain and withdrawl symptoms even though I was doing it slowly. So I had to go back up on them. I tried again to decrease the doses starting a couple months ago, this time with success.

Other little miracles. I haven't been able to lie on my back for almost a year. I've been sleeping face down for almost a year. Just today, I was able to lie face up, on my back for my Jin Shin Jyutsu treatment for a full hour. I've been lying on the couch reading on my back. It's lovely. The little things. I usually have to drive with my right leg bent at the knee and my foot placed up on the seat, alleviating pressure on the left side. However, lately, I've been able to drive with both legs in front of me, the normal way.


And the tumor? Does this mean it's shrinking?

Not necessarily. I have an MRI coming up in a few weeks. I definitely still feel the mass and it doesn't feel smaller as far as I can tell. I feel that all the positive changes that have been occurring may not be due to shrinkage, but due to my attitude, my thoughts, my feelings, and meditations that have helped me. Many other things could be at play: prayers being answered, increased immunity, energy healings. My chiropractor thinks it's all him haha. It could also be because the tumor tissue is dying, or the inflammation from radiation could have subsided. It could be many things combined.

I fully expect the tumor to shrivel up and die at some point, but at this point, I just believe feeling good comes first and the evidence from MRI reports come later.

Meanwhile, I'm not really focused on that thing. I'm just focused on the fact that I'm feeling GOOD. And I think that's a good sign. I'm happy to share all the miracles with you. I know that I'll continue to feel good, continue to heal and experience more miracles.

That's all the news I have for now. Thank you for the continued support :) Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey.

Healing with Jin Shin Jyutsu

Jin Shin...What?

I know. I had never heard of it either until recently. Under a fortunate sequence events that seem too good to be true, I met Dave, an energy healer, who offered me unlimited energy healing sessions for free.

I know the initial thought when you hear something like this is, "What's in it for him? ...Be careful. That seems suspicious." Except, it just is exactly what it is... a compassionate man who heard my story, intuited somehow that I could use his help, and so he offered it.

So how did it all happen? 

How did I manage to get a healer behind me, helping me to clear emotional energy and assist in my healing?

Well, first of all, a couple times I found myself wishing that I could do more reiki, but because I'm low on funds, I didn't pursue it. I thought to myself: wouldn't it be great if I had a friend to give me free reiki or energy healing sessions? And then I went about my business and simply forgot about the thought.

Then, a couple weeks later, I decided to join a meditation meet-up group. At the first session, having arrived early, I began talking to Dave, the man sitting right next to me. In his late 40's or perhaps early 50's, with a slight and intellectual demeanor, he looked to me more like a university professor than a "healer". We talked and he told me what he did for a living and I told him briefly about my health challenges. After the meditation meet-up session was over, I was walking out the door, when Dave stopped me and gave me his card, stating that he wants to be part of my "healing project". I thanked him profusely and told him I'd call him.

Glancing later at his card, I noticed the words "Jin Shin Jyutsu". I wanted to jump at the opportunity. But first, I had to google it.

What exactly is Jin Shin Jyutsu? 

In a nutshell, Jin Shin Jyutsu (pronounced Jin Shin Jitsu), is an ancient Japanese modality of energy healing. I like to describe it as a combination of acupuncture (without needles) and reflexology. It involves light touch using the hands and fingers along specific meridians to harmonize the body's energy. The fingers are seen as "jumper cables" igniting stuck energy to move throughout the body. There are 26 points in the body where energy is concentrated and specific energy pathways used to allow the flow of energy in order to balance the mind, body and spirit. Another way to think about it is hands-on meditation.

Similar to acupuncture, Jin Shin Jyutsu can be used for a long list of mental, emotional and physical ailments from alleviating stress, clearing trapped emotions, reliving pain and any other chronic or acute condition. It claims to restore energy levels, mental alertness, eliminate fatigue, and increase memory function.

The Treatments: What to Expect 

That week I had my first session of Jin Shin Jyutsu. Dave spent the first 30 minutes mentoring me. He began giving me a ton of literature, books and mentorship. "Change your story", he told me. "Don't give energy or momentum to the illness, to the word 'cancer', which evokes a lot of unnecessary fear... Think that it's already done... Give and receive love through hugs, which are also healing... When you drink water, remember it's not just water. The molecules of water can be altered depending on the energy you put toward the water. Send healing energy toward the water before you drink it". The more he spoke, the more I realized how much of a spiritual teacher he was. I just LOVED and appreciated that I was not only getting FREE energy healing sessions (which I try to pay for but he refuses), but spiritual guidance as well.

Treatments involve lying on a "massage" table fully clothed while he places his hands on various meridian points and holding them there for a few minutes. It's very relaxing and I simply focus on my breathing and visualize stuck energy flowing through my body. I've had 4 treatments and both during and after each session, I feel amazing, similar to how I feel after having had a great massage. After each session, I feel so ethereal that I have to take a 10-15 minute walk to ground myself before I can drive.

Jin Shin Jyutsu can be easily learned and practiced on your own just like Qigong. If you check out some youtube videos, you can teach yourself some simple techniques to incorporate in your everyday life. For example, if you are feeling worried, simply hold one of your thumbs for 3-5 minutes while focusing on your breath, making your breaths longer and more relaxed. It sounds too simple to be effective, but it works. As always, don't knock it until you've tried it.

I love the fact that I simply had the thought of wanting free energy healing, and a couple weeks later I met Dave. I had been thinking of reiki, but really it was just the energy healing that I was wanting. Not only that, but he takes time to also provide healing guidance as well. I am so grateful for this gift!

Energy Healing: 

Energy healing, for those who are unfamiliar with the concept, involves the manipulation of energy (usually) through a practitioner who uses his/her hands (or needles in acupuncture) to remove energetic blocks and restore the flow of energy within a clients' body. Most energy healing modalities are based on ancient eastern practices. However, even massage can be considered energy healing.

I've been reading more and more about how effective energy healing can be. I know many people are skeptical or don't buy into it, and you don't have to. But the more I read about it, especially the science behind it, the more I realize its value especially for healing. More and more studies are coming out demonstrating evidence that energy healing methods such as reiki, jin shin jyutsu, acupuncture, EFT, Qigong, etc. are in fact helpful for healing serious chronic illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. (see below for links to studies) It's not so much that these practices claim to directly heal the ailment, but rather that they release trapped energy so that the body can heal itself.

I'm currently reading a book, "Mind to Matter" by Dawson Church, which explains the science behind energy healing. It's full of mind-blowing facts. For example, studies have demonstrated that cancer can be found in the electromagnetic field surrounding the human body before it manifests in the physical human body. I'm excited about the future of medicine as it's beginning to incorporate more eastern, holistic medical practices including energy healing. I read that some hospitals are incorporating reiki and my insurance, Kaiser, referred me to an on-site acupuncturist, who I've also been receiving treatments from as well.

Try it Out! 

Anyway, ask and you shall receive. If you are interested in trying Jin Shin Jyutsu, and are in San Diego, I highly recommend my friend Dave whose office is in Encinitas. (jsjwithdave@gmail.com) You will not be disappointed.

If you meet him, he will tell you his own amazing story on why he got into jin shin jyutsu himself. It involved a skiing accident and a knee injury that was completely healed through jin shin jyutsu. "I've seen and experienced miracles", he tells me.

Try Jin Shin Jyutsu on your own at home. By holding each finger for 3-5 minutes with your opposite hand while taking slow relaxed breaths, you will harmonize the whole body. Do this for both hands.

Alternatively, if you are feeling worried, hold the thumb for 3-5 minutes to relieve the feeling. If you feel anger, fear, grief or pretense (over-trying), simply hold the corresponding finger for 3-5 minutes.

Simple, yet powerful.

Studies on the Efficacy of Energy Healing 

Distant Energy Healing on AIDS patients 
Disappearing tumors in mice via energy healing

And I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

Months ago I read a beautiful memoir in which the author had been diagnosed with bone cancer and had to have his right leg amputated right below the hip at the age of 25. His cancer returned a year later but was inoperable. After exhausting all treatment including chemotherapy and radiation, the cancer persisted and he was given only a few months left to live. A friend, a spiritual guru-type of friend, suggested the idea of trying to heal his body through meditation. He decided that he had nothing to lose and would give it a shot. Long story short, he did heal himself through meditation and guided imagery, and now is a meditation teacher, facilitating workshops to others on how to heal using the methods he used.

One part of the book that really stuck out to me was when he said that his quality of life now, with one leg, was much better than before, when he'd had two legs. In other words, he was happier now, more content, more at peace with one leg. When I first read that, I was a bit incredulous, yet now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I realize that his contentment most likely stems from what he had learned along the way, through meditation, through healing that brought greater perspective and understanding about the big picture in life. By helping others through his work, he is part of something bigger than himself. He is giving back. He is serving others through his talents and abilities. He is living on purpose.

Now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I can comprehend this feeling through my own experience. I've known and read that overall joy, happiness, contentment is "an inside job", not dependent on our circumstances, and having more to do with perspective and mindset. But I never really experienced it in such a way, until recently.

Would you believe me if I told you that despite no change in my circumstances, despite having a life-threatening health issue, including a scary 14cm tumor threatening to invade my internal organs, I've never felt more at peace than I do now. Call it divine intervention, spiritual surrender, whatever it may be, a serene sense of love has invaded the core of my being and I feel....just at peace. I guess I wouldn't call it "happy" necessarily, but peaceful, content.

Isn't it strange? I feel content, at peace, loving, grateful and serenity, but for no reason. I honestly am at this place where don't mind that I can't surf, or run, go to bootcamp, take a yoga class or do a lot of the things that I used to be able to do, but no longer can. I honestly just don't think about those things. When I was first diagnosed, I used to cry seeing surfers when the waves were just perfect, I now simply watch them with authentic happiness on their behalf. For that guy that just scored an awesome right: I am so stoked for him. I no longer look at healthy people with envy. I see them as loving beings, extensions of myself, my brothers and sisters.

Before my diagnosis, my life was great. I feel I was mostly happy, but stressed out. Impatient. In the back of my mind there were always a million things that I had to do. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. I shouldn't be surfing, I should be working. I had a set list of goals and was always striving to be somewhere I wasn't. I lived in a state of selfish individual pursuit of goals and pleasure. There were so many social events and engagements on the weekends that I never had much time to read that book, meditate or take in much needed quiet time. Deep down, I wanted to be volunteering, giving back. Part of something bigger than myself. And don't let me forget the perpetual stress of always trying to lose weight and be perfect in order to feel like I was enough. I spent so much time and energy trying to be perfect, that I never had the energy to just be myself, or think about the bigger picture.

Recently, I've come into a space of spiritual surrender. I don't know the future. I don't care much about future achievements, how I look or what I "should" be doing. I appreciate the fact that this time has allowed me to read some amazing books, meditate and journal. Doing these things has helped me see a bigger, more clear picture about life. Facing mortality forces us to perceive things differently. We have always heard the cliches that happiness is an inside job, that money doesn't buy happiness, etc. Now, I feel that.

Despite the health issues, I wake up with gratitude. It's almost as if I have forgotten about the cancer, maybe because I don't focus on it. I've been staying focused on all the wonderful things that are in my life, plus the fact that I am not in pain, and I've embraced the unknown. I've detached from the notion that I absolutely have to heal. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I am still doing everything in my power to heal, but I've gotten to a place where I'm okay with any outcome. Whatever happens, happens. I just pray for God's will to come through. I've shed a lot of fears. I'm not afraid to die, though I'm not planning to anytime soon. I believe that where I'll go after death is a more beautiful and loving place than earth. I'm not afraid of the tumor (just kidding :) I kinda am, but trying not to be). I'm not afraid of my illness. I am open to whatever it has to teach me. I am still afraid of suffering and pain, I'll admit. I still need to work on that, among other things.

I'm focusing more on the emotional and spiritual side of healing, which entails a lot of the ideas behind the mind-body connection, how our thought and emotions can contribute to dis-ease in the body. I've been reading books by Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love), Dr. Joe Dispenza (Becoming Supernatural, Evolve the Brain) and Ekhart Tolle (The Power of Now). The lessons in these books have been beautiful and life-changing for me. I've been engaging in mediation, prayer and EFT, which have also helped me a lot.

One thing I was listening to from Dr. Joe Dispenza on YouTube today was that the more stressed we are, the more we are focused on survival emotions, and the more we are focused on our hair, makeup, clothes, how much we weigh, the kind of car we drive, selfish pursuits, time, etc. This gives rise to stress hormones, which can create dis-ease in the body.

On the other hand, when we are focused on elevated emotions of love, gratitude, peace, empowerment, selflessness, inspiration, our bodies cannot secrete stress hormones, and we focus more on our internal environment, selflessness, connecting with others, giving back, and will thus, be more at peace.

Besides this, physically, I've been doing very well. I've been going on 1-2 hour hikes behind my house. I've been driving without pain most of the time, and haven't been held back from doing much, which is great. I think I'm ready to start working, but I want to see myself this way on a consistent basis before I commit. Plus, there's still the possibility of surgery in the near future. Oh yeah, and tumor is stable. Crossing my fingers that all this peacefulness and positivity sticks. :)

As always, I appreciate all the love, light, prayers and healing thoughts sent my way. Thank you for reading. Leave me a comment. Let me know your thoughts :)

Growing Pains

I'm sorry I don't have good news to share with you. My tumor is not shrinking, and to be frank, I'm a little tired of being asked about it. "Has it shrunk yet?" or the simple question of "What's the latest with the tumor?" Every time I've been asked that question, I've had pretty much the same answer, and that is "no change".

I know people mean well, so I don't take it personally. I genuinely enjoy when friends reach out to see how I'm doing in general, but I've grown tired and weary of giving the same old answer or going over specifics of the latest MRI results or when my next MRI will be. Plus, as I stated in my previous posts, it takes 6 months to 2 years for the radiation to work. It does not usually start shrinking tumors immediately, at least in the case of Chordoma. These days, I'm all about hearing what's going on in other people's lives.

What I had been expecting in the latest MRI, (Dec. 30) for that reason, is that it would be the same size, "no change", although, of course, I really hope for shrinkage or deep down, total disappearance of this whole thing. Spontaneous remission. All healed. As if none of it had ever happened. I know it could happen. It's happened to others. But that's not what happened to me, at least not yet (fingers still crossed).

So what did the MRI report?

It didn't disappear. It didn't get smaller. It didn't stay the same size. It grew BIGGER.

This was the one option that I had not even glossed over in my thoughts. Before radiation treatments I was told that the worst most unlikely thing that could happen after treatment would be that it continue growing. But I was reassured that this would be an extremely rare occurrence, so I pretty much decided that it wouldn't happen to me.

So, upon seeing that it GREW in my MRI report, I was shocked, devastated and, between choking out the words to my mom that I was going to die, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Seriously, how could it have grown? I totally lost it. It never even crossed my mind that it would grow after radiation therapy.

I started to ask myself disempowering questions that only made me feel worse. Why didn't I just get surgery? Why was I so stupid? Why is this happening?

My sisters came over. We had a family reunion. It's so good to have family. I talked about the reasons why it could have grown. Was I eating the wrong things? Was it the supplements? Was it just the nature of the tumor? Was it because I stopped doing certain things? I felt so helpless. In June I went to Brazil to see a spiritual healer. In August I dropped $30,000 on an in-patient cancer clinic in Mexico. I went through 43 rounds of 77Gy doses of radiation. I spend my days and nights in meditation and prayer, along with several rounds of energy healing, coupled with a healing diet, And it's still growing.

My sister Rachel helped me realize that I shouldn't feel so stupid about choosing radiation over surgery because I could have had the surgery, then had a reoccurrence (a ~40% chance) and beat myself up over not having had radiation instead. It's hard. I'll never know what would have been the better decision.

Up until this point, I had 100% expected to get past this. I was confident this cancer experience would just be a blip on the radar that I would get through and look back on as something that helped me grow stronger. A challenge to go through just like everyone else. But this. This caused doubts to creep in. Doubts that had never been there before. Doubts about living a full life. Doubts about being able to get past this. Dark thoughts consumed me and I felt tired. Tired of fighting. Ready to give up. I told God before I went to bed that night that it would be Ok with me if I didn't wake up. I just didn't want to go through this anymore.

The next morning I spoke with a patient navigator at the Chordoma Foundation who suggested that I have my tumor sample re-tested because it's possible that I was mis-diagnosed with the type of Chordoma. There are 4 types and I was diagnosed with the conventional, slow-growing type, but since this has been more aggressive and most pathologists don't know the latest techniques on diagnosing the sub-types, she thought that perhaps I may have the more aggressive sub-type. If this is the case, it would explain a lot, but we hope that it is not the case, since this type has a much worse prognosis. She also suggested getting into contact with the UCLA surgeon and see if I'm still a candidate for surgery. So that's what I did and they said that I am a candidate for surgery, but I would be in the hospital for longer and there would be difficulty with the wound healing. They were very concerned that it was still growing and requested copies of my imaging. So I requested another test of my biopsy sample and sent off my imaging to UCLA surgeons.

That afternoon, I spoke to my radio-oncologist, the guy that treated me with the 43 rounds of radiation and had told me that it would be very, very rare for my tumor to continue growing after the radiation. However, he said that when he uploads the images on the computer, the tumor looks like it grew a tiny bit, only millimeters larger than the last one that was done six weeks prior. He said it looks "stable", like there's not enough growth to be heading for surgery. He said that the growth could be "pseudo-progression", meaning swelling or inflammation due to the treatment, not real growth. So, he suggested me getting another MRI in one month to see if that's the case.

I went into his office a few days later and he showed me the last 4-5 MRI's and it's true that there didn't seem to be much difference in the size as far as I could tell. Also, because it's an odd shape, it's hard to measure and the numbers that are reported in the written report should be taken with a grain of salt, because it simply depends on which angle they're measuring from. After seeing him and the images, I did feel better. Maybe it is pseudo-progression.

A few days later, I received an updated MRI report from Kaiser (because the previous one was compared to June, and the radiologist insisted it be compared to the latest one done in Aug. and the one done in Nov). It stated "slow, significant growth" since August. It also stated the dimensions as well for each MRI. According to the report, it seems that the tumor had been growing throughout radiation and afterwards, though slowly. But if that's the case, it also seems that I was being lied to by the radiologist who told me each week during radiation that it was the same. "No change".

So, as of now, I don't really know what's going on. It's bigger. But that could be due to pseudo-progression. Or it could be because it really is growing. Another MRI is next week which will give us  (hopefully) more information. In the meantime, I'm getting the ball rolling to possibly have the surgery, or go into clinical trials.

I'm feeling a lot better mentally. I've overcome the dark thoughts and re-centered, focusing on gratitude and what I can do. I'm so grateful for my family, my friends and the somewhat normal life that I'm still able to maintain. I'm not in as much pain as I was a few weeks ago. I'm still able to go for long walks and drive short distances. In December, I tried tapering off a medication and unfortunately this made my pain much worse, so I went back on and have been doing much better since. As long as I can walk outside in the fresh outdoors, I am more than happy. I'm enjoying the time to read, journal, meditate, meet with friends, pray and write.

I tried to return to work, but my pain flared up unexpectedly a week before classes started, sadly causing me to cancel on going back to work. A few days later, however, I started to feel better as if I were able to go back to work. But I missed the boat. Perhaps next semester. It's as if my pain is my guidance system and I wasn't meant to go back to work just yet. Trying my best to stay positive and surrender to the ups and downs. This is a real-life rollercoaster.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers, positive vibes and support. I am so grateful for everyone! Thank you for reading.

New Years Resolutions

I can tell I've changed a lot this year because when I started to think about new years resolutions, this year was much different from previous years.

My new years' resolutions for 2018 (any many previous years) involved losing ten pounds, saving money, paying off debt and getting promoted (for more money).

While the specific details are not yet nailed down, my new years' resolutions for 2019 involve:

• spending more time with loved ones
• Volunteering
• being present and more connected to my students while I'm teaching
• being in a state of love, gratitude and appreciation as much as possible throughout the day 
• Giving more (being more of a giver than a taker) 
• Finding ways to serve others 
• Stop caring what others think 

Can you see the shift? In previous years I had always made resolutions and goals that involved my own personal benefit. There is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight or wanting a promotion, but these were all for superficial reasons like wanting to look good in a bikini and wanting a bigger salary. If you want to lose weight for health reasons, to be able to stick around longer for your kids and grandkids, that's a completely different thing. If you want to earn more money to be better able to care for your family's needs, that's different from my underlying reasons for wanting a higher salary which basically involved more shopping and surf trips for me, and me alone. 

As 2019 approaches, I realize that my resolutions involve serving and connecting with others. While I never saw my diagnosis as a death sentence, there's nothing like a life-threatening illness to make you see the bigger picture. The bigger picture. Sure, losing ten pounds and finding your jeans a little bit looser is nice, but when I die, I'm not going to care about that, nor is that going to foster genuine and meaningful happiness. A promotion or a raise is great. But what is that extra money going to buy that will really make you happier? I mean, genuine, meaningful happiness. I guess it could if you use the extra money to spend on others, towards the needy. 

One of the first things I thought about when I was diagnosed with cancer was....I'm not ready to die yet because I haven't done anything to contribute. I had this overwhelming feeling of desire to contribute to something bigger than myself. Not in some grand way necessarily, but I came here to serve those less fortunate. I also thought about the fact that my whole life had been about fun and pleasure: surfing, salsa dancing, traveling, and anything that I wanted to do. I lived a very selfish existence when I know I came here to have a more selfless existence. I wasn't being true to myself. My whole life has been about me, when my whole life really is about others. 

I hope everyone reading this has a Happy New Year! Thank you to everyone for your continued love, prayers and support. Hope you all had a great Christmas!! 

Turning 36 years Young

My beautiful and amazing older sister April arranged for me to have my first ever blow-out at a blow bar, by a 22 year-old gay guy named Haze. Now, before you get your head stuck in a gutter, for those who are unfamiliar with the term, "blow-out", it means my hair got washed and blow-dried, curled, ironed and pumped with all kinds of products, plus 2 liters of hair-spray, and who knows what else they did to make my hair look amazing.

I told Haze, my male hair-designer/ new gay BFF,  that it was my 36th birthday. And then he said....."Wow! You don't even look 26!" I could have hugged him right then and there. "Not even 26?!" I didn't correct him. When he offered me a second mimosa before he had even finished washing my hair, I decided then and there he was getting a big tip. I decided to look past the fact that my mimosa now tasted like hairspray.

Now, with red-carpet hair, and 2 hairspray flavored mimosas down, we made our way over to Eve Encinitas, my FAVORITE vegan, mostly-gluten free restaurant, and SURPRISE, SURPRISE! All my friends. My sister April surprised me by reserving a big table and inviting all my friends, many whom I hadn't seen in a while. So fun. 

This was definitely a different birthday in the sense that I had no desire to go out and party. I mostly just wanted a quiet birthday, so a nice vegan lunch with friends and a blowout with free mimosas, not to mention the far-fetched comment that I looked way too young to be 26 made for a perfect day. The day also started out with a solo hike and a solo sunset walk along the shore. 

Turning 36. Another year older. I really have no complaints about getting older. I wouldn't trade my 36 year-old self for my 26-year-old self. That was just a disaster. Yeah, life was fun and lots of parties, but no, thanks. I prefer the older, wiser, more cognizant version of myself. I still feel this way even after the hard toll that my body has undergone this year. I aged a lot this year, in a lot of different ways. At my frailest point, just a couple months ago, I felt as if my body were that of an 80 year old. For a few weeks, I even walked with a walker. But then a few weeks later, when I got my strength back, I was using the walker to sit on, riding downhill on my street, catching enough speed to feel young again.

And many people don't know this, because, it's fairly new information, but I will let you in on a secret: aging is actually somewhat reversible. Reversible? Aging? What? Yeah, you heard right. Reversible. I'm not talking Benjamin Button style, but say you smoked cigarettes for 10 years and then quit, took up an ultra-healthy diet and became a yoga instructor. The damage that you did from smoking those 10 years could possibly be reversed. There's a lot of research coming out in support of the fact that certain factors, what we put into our body, our lifestyle and even how connected we are, play a role in the aging process, and that aging could even be reversed. Wow.

I bring this up because it gives me hope that all the "aging" I've gone through this year (with all the treatments, medications and stress) could be only temporary as I work on getting my strength back and getting back to my healthy self. 

I recently read an article that discussed a recent study demonstrating that our attitudes about getting older play a role in how we age physically and mentally. The study found that participants who had a positive attitude about getting older had actually aged less than those with the same age who had a negative attitude about getting older. So instead of worrying about getting older, instead of getting botox, we should just embrace that number, detach from it. It's just a number. Cliche, I know. But, the crazy thing is that if you have a negative attitude toward aging, that is you dread turning 40, 50, 60, etc., you may be unintentionally giving yourself more gray hairs, more wrinkles and shortening your telomeres. (read more about it here) 

There are two numbers that I'm personally trying to detach from. My age and my weight. In our culture, for women, the younger and the thinner, the better. It's hard to overcome cultural brainwashing, but once you identify the cultural undertow, you can choose your own attitude toward age. I say embrace it!