The Power of Gratitude

Less than two months ago, I found myself in severe pain, unable to walk more than a few steps, stay standing or seated for more than a few seconds, or even sit up in a car, let alone drive. I went from feeling like I went from a young, healthy 35-year-old to a crippled 90-year-old overnight.

Pain, tumor, biopsy, cancer. Thoughts of death front and center. Everything that had occupied my life was suddenly taken from me. My independence. Gone. My job. Gone. Surfing, Can’t. Happy Hour. Raincheck.

It became really easy to slip down the dark path of “why me?” “Seriously, God, why me?” as I teetered at the edge of depression, wallowing into a pit of hopelessness, wondering whether my life was even worth living…

In fact, the only real reason why I didn’t slip into a total depression was because gratitude. Gratitude was and is my saving grace. I never allowed myself to wallow in the hopeless mental space for long. I got out by focusing on what I did have to be thankful for. So I couldn’t walk, stand, sit or drive, but what could I do? What did I have? What did I still have to live for?

I can talk. I can write. I can read. I can watch the sunset from my backyard. I have a wonderful family and an amazing group of friends, all who make my life worth living. I also have goals that I want to accomplish, plans and projects to make the world a better place in some small way.

I focused daily on these things. And really zeroed in on them one at a time. Take the ability to walk, for example. I’m grateful that I have the ability to walk, and I’m sure you are too. Maybe you’ve never thought about that, but really think about it. What if you were unable to walk?

And that’s when I realized how much I had taken for granted. I never appreciated my ability to walk or run. Though I am now able to walk, I still can’t run. I would give anything to be able to run down the street right now. How great it is to have legs that get you to and fro without effort. Jay-walking is not really an option anymore. Just a few minutes ago, I slowly and with much effort climbed up the stairs to get a towel, but wished I could just run upstairs taking two at a time. I saw the news showing the annual Oceanside “Turkey Trot” and wished I could be there running alongside the runners. I was envious. I took it for granted. My body. My physical ability. My mobility. It’s all so valuable. I had never appreciated my young, healthy, strong, pain-free body.

So now, I appreciate it. Being pain-free in the moments that I am without pain. That I can take deep breaths. I really appreciate that I can walk. I appreciate that I can now stand, and sit and drive. I still have cancer, but it’s not going to stop me from having things to be grateful for and having a meaningful life. In fact, in the midst of a crisis or any hardship, being centered on gratitude is key.

I focus on the feeling gratitude for the big things like friends and family. I think about each person in my life, how happy I am to have them in my life and all that they’ve done for me, given me, taught me, etc. Sometimes, I sit and write thankyou letters to these people, not because it makes them feel better to receive it, but because it makes me feel better to be grateful.

The little things also matter. Taking a shower this evening, I was grateful for the hot water. Something I didn’t have when I lived in El Salvador. I also was thankful for the new soft towels that my mom bought for me, which I’m pretty sure are the softest towels I’ve ever touched. Also, my own bathroom. I’ve had to share a bathroom before, no big deal. But I’m pretty sure that if I’d been born in rural India, I’d be sharing a bathroom with 12 people, so I just have to be grateful for that too.

But I wasn't just grateful for the good things in my life. I was also grateful for the negative--not my diagnosis, but what my diagnosis was teaching me about life. I know that I will grow, become a better person, and develop strength from this seemingly awful circumstance. It only becomes "awful" once you label it so. Bethany Hamilton, a professional surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack, stated that she would not take anything back because the event that occurred enabled her to develop and become the person she is today, and it enabled her to reach out to others and inspire them. I just watched a viral video going around social media where a woman lost both her legs at 19 due to a serious illness and now designs prosthetic legs and footwear for snowboarding. She became the first female to win a silver medal in the special olympics for snowboarding. She too, stated that she would not take anything back about her experience if she could because it enabled her to become the fantastic person that she is today. And by "fantastic" I mean strong, resilient, courageous, and evolved. 

What also helped me through was keeping a daily gratitude journal writing down three things that happened the previous day that I’m thankful for. It might look something like this:

1.   Today my mom bought me beautiful flowers. Love them!

2.   I’m grateful that I got to see my sister’s new puppy and play with him.

3.   I’m grateful that my niece came over to visit me today. 

Some may think it sounds a little cheesy or overrated, yet we shouldn’t focus only one day a year on being grateful. If you really want to change your life for the better, or if you want to better deal with hardships, a gratitude practice should be front and center 365 days a year.

Rounding 3rd base...heading for home

Hello All,

I have only ONE more week of proton beam radiation treatments. I've completed 38 out of 43 treatments to be more specific. This is quite an exciting accomplishment since I had nearly quit twice. I have had recent scans done which show that the tumor has definitely stopped growing and is stable. Goal number one achieved. Of course, shrinkage is goal number 2, which most likely will happen post-treatment. According to other studies and people that I have talked to with the same type of cancer who also had proton therapy, it can shrink slowly over the next 2 years. So, we're of course crossing our fingers and praying for shrinkage, hoping it'll happen faster instead of slowly.

As for my physical condition, I have nothing but positives to report. I am standing all day long, no problem.  A couple days ago, for the first time in weeks, I got in the kitchen to actually bake something. Also, equally exciting, I can sit for extended periods of time. I just ate at a sit-down restaurant tonight for the first time in two months. Previously, I was only able to sit for a few minutes at a time before I'd need to lie down on my stomach to get some pain relief. I can also walk, without a walker. I still have to walk a little slower than I'm used to with a subtle limp due to the nerve damage to the S1 nerve that may or may not resolve. I'm also back to yoga. I stopped after being depressed by the decreasing number of yoga positions I could do. Now, I'm getting back into my body, happy that I stretch and twist and get into positions that no longer cause me pain. There's of course a lot that I still can't do, but I'm focusing more on what I CAN do. 

It's been this way for two weeks, and the most important fact that I almost forgot to mention: pain at bay! Well, a little pain could come up here and there from dancing a little too zealously when my song comes on, BUT there has been no pain flair-ups, which is absolutely amazing because that alone makes life worth living. Not being in pain. I will probably never take a pain-free existence for granted again. I mean, I'm still on pain medication, but it's managed. Life can go on. 

So, after six weeks of horrible pain, not going anywhere except to my proton beam radiation treatments...After six weeks of being bound to my bed, unable to stand or sit longer than a few minutes, having to ride in the car lying flat on my stomach, unable to make my own meals, unable to walk more than a few feet with a walker, suddenly everything is different. 

I no longer need to lay down in the car, I can sit up in the passenger seat like a normal person. I also had my first outings this past week. One to the beach. Another to church, and just this evening to a restaurant. A social outing. Wow. It feels so great to start getting little pieces of my life back. 

It's hard not to get ahead of myself and just want everything to be back to normal right now. But, now I'm fixated on the one thing that really is keeping me from total independence: driving. I actually tried driving this week, but I am just not able to without pain. Because my sacrum has been destroyed due to the tumor, any position in which I'm sitting that puts pressure on the sacrum causes pain. Therefore, when I do sit, I lean to the right side and put the weight on my right hip. Or, I can sit at the edge of a seat, with my knees at a 90 degree angle, putting the weight on my lower sit bones. However, driving requires me to sit back with my legs out in front of me putting pressure on the sacrum. This causes pain. And it doesn't help that I have a stick shift which causes the sciatic pain to flare up when I push in the clutch. My next idea is to try driving automatic cars to see if I can sit and drive with my weight shifted to the right slightly since I'd only have to use one leg. Then, if that still isn't comfortable, I'm thinking of a scooter or motorcycle, not because it sounds totally fun, but because of the forward sitting position. Plus, I just so happen to have my motorcycle license. I should use it. 

Another achievement is that I've started tapering off some pain medications with success. I went from being the kind of person who refused to take advil or tylenol to a person who was on 9 different types of pain medication. Yikes. Now I'm down to 6. 

I'm also thinking about other things that I want to try out soon: swimming, surfing, road trips etc. Yes, yes, one thing at a time. 

That's the latest. I'm so excited and grateful that all these positives have been happening. I hope it continues to stay that way. Thank you again for reading my blog, for your prayers and all your continued support.