My Sister, My Angel

In January, I had yet another positive MRI, the third positive one in a row. The tumor showed continued shrinkage and was pronounced dead. This was more conformation that everything was continuing to head in the right direction. All good news, but then, one of the worst days of my life happened.

February 17th, the day I found out my sister April died. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. At the age of 39, with four kids. In a fatal car accident.

My heart broke open.

After my sister's death, I went through her social media. I didn't realize how much she had shared my journey with others, or that she often referred to me as her "hero" in her posts. It's almost as if I recognized the depth of her love for me only after she had passed. Why couldn't I have realized or appreciated it when she was still here?

I also heard from others that when cancer had me at my worst, my sister had said she wished it were her instead of me. Her friends told me that she was working to "save me".

"Save me?" I asked.

And then when I looked back, I thought about all that she had done for me. Hiring her friend, a personal chef, to cook vegan ketogenic meals for me. Going to Carlsbad spring water to bring me back "healing water". Driving me down to San Diego for all day doctors appointments every Saturday. Buying me healing rocks and the healing expo. Being there with me as I cried every tear.  Holding space for me. Defending me. Over and over again.

Not too long ago, April said to me jokingly, "I keep waiting to get a shout-out in your blog. You've mentioned Nicole. You've mentioned Rachel. When am I going to get an honorable mention?"

Well, April, this blog is dedicated to you.

One of the most heartbreaking things surrounding my sister's death is that I never had a chance to tell her thank you for all she had done for me these past two years. So I wrote her a letter, and then shared it at her service. Although these words will never do justice in explaining what a beautiful soul my sister is, these are the words I wrote. This is what I spoke:

Dear April, 

I wanted to let you know how thankful I am for you and all you’ve taught me. Growing up, you taught us sisters so many important things like how to do the butterfly and the tootsie roll. When mom and dad went out of town, you taught us how to take shots, then fill the bottle of vodka back up with water, right up to the exact line that mom drew, so that she wouldn’t notice. You taught us how to laugh, speak our minds, and how to live life to the fullest. 

I will miss your infectious laugh. The way you cried during romantic commercials. I will miss your unique sense of humor and the fun you brought into my life. How you always were the source of so much fun and entertainment at family gatherings. I will miss how you saw humor in everything. I will miss your random texts that made no sense. I will miss your hilarious memes that you sent nearly every day. I will miss your constant overuse of LOL and LMAO in text messages. Nobody made us laugh like you did. You were the comedian in the family and there was never a dull moment with you around.

I will miss that no matter what day it was, no matter what time, or what hardships you were going through, you remained full of fun and laughter. You taught me that no matter what, we can always find the fun in life. 

I will miss how even as a grown woman in your 30’s, with 4 kids, you remained silly and childlike. I loved how you would do silly things like jump into the shopping cart at the grocery store and demand to be pushed in the cart while you shopped. How you tried to unboil a hard-boiled egg by putting it in the microwave. How after a night out, instead of simply getting into the car and going back home, you would want to play hide-n-go-seek. How you tried to prove how strong you were by trying to physically pick up a 200 lb. man in a bar wearing five-inch stilettos.. Remember how you went through the drive through in a shopping cart with Mary Jean and actually ordered food? We joked that Rachel and I were your younger, but more mature sisters....I admired your sense of fun and adventure. 

Speaking of drive-thru’s ... I will miss your lengthy and complicated Starbucks orders....: A quad long shot grande in a venti cup, double skinny, soy vanilla latte with 2 pumps of vanilla, mocha powder, light ice and well-stirred with a dash of cinnamon...and then, sending it back because the color wasn’t right. I never understood your obsession with Starbucks, but I always admired your audacity. 

And you weren’t just the source of fun and entertainment in our family. More importantly, you had a huge heart. You Loved like nobody I know. You loved unconditionally and whole-heartedly. You loved hard. Nothing made you happier than being around your family, especially your kids, who were the twinkle in your eye, and your source of pride. 

I will miss your generosity. How for our birthdays, you always wanted to plan something big, extravagant and went way overboard. How you always wanted us to feel special. How you constantly invited us over for dinner and cooked for us. I will cherish how we spent the last Valentine’s Day together and you got me a card, roses, chocolate dipped strawberries, cooked me and Rachel dinner. I admire how you always made us feel special.  

When I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, you were more devastated than I was. You were there for me every day. All the way. You constantly brought me gifts. You hired your friend Julia, the chef to cook special meals for me. You went to get me “healing water” from the Carlsbad spring. For months, you drove me all the way down to San Diego to my naturopathic doctor appointments on a suspended driver’s license and then spent entire Saturdays there with me as I received high-dose Vitamin C infusions. 

When I had to move back in with Mom and Dad, I complained to you that Dad had too much chocolate in the house, and I was stressing about the constant temptation, so being the protective older sister, you took it upon yourself to empty out Dad’s chocolate fridge, and hid all the chocolate on my behalf even though you knew Dad would get angry. 

You had guts April. I always admired your courage. You always wanted to protect us. 

I remember the last night I slept over at your house. You gave me your entire king-sized bed, you gave Nicole the couch and then you slept on the floor. I asked you why you didn’t just sleep in the bed with me, and you said because you didn’t want to disrupt my sleep. 

I admired your sacrifice and desire to help me get better. 

When my condition started to improve, and the tumor started to shrink, you were my biggest fan, my biggest cheerleader. You told everyone, I was your hero. But the truth is, April,....YOU are my hero. 

You weren’t afraid to live your life to the fullest, to be your authentic self. You weren’t afraid to speak your mind. You weren’t afraid to love with your whole heart. You weren’t afraid to have fun. I will cherish the 37 years that I got to have with you. I will be forever grateful for the lessons and memories you gave me. It’s hurts that I won’t be able to have you by my side, to help me navigate through my continued healing journey, but I know that your spirit is here, I promise you that I’ll work hard to keep getting better, and I know you’ll be guiding me. I promise to be around for a long time in order to be the best auntie I can be for your kids. 

I know that you are in a better place. In heaven. I know you’re with Grandpa Merlin and Great Grandpa. With Heidi and her dad. With Carline. I know you’re having fun cracking everyone up. Because that’s just who you are. I also know you’re here watching over us because you’re our protector. I can’t be mad at God for bringing you home. I can only look forward to the day we meet again. 

Thank you for all the love you gave to us. Love you to the moon and back. 

Still Winning!

It's been way too long since my last post, but I still wanted to give an update on what's been going on with my health. I've been so busy working that I haven't had much time to actually sit down and keep up my blog. Here's the latest.

I've been back at work full time, teaching at both Mira Costa College and UCSD.

In August, I officially moved out of my parents' house back to living on my own. I'm so grateful for the time I spent there healing and being loved and cared for when I wasn't able to. I had moved in one year ago, in Oct. 2018 when I wasn't able to walk very well, or stand without being in pain. My mom had to bring me breakfast lunch and dinner because I couldn't stand long enough to make myself something to eat. I found an awesome place to live in Encinitas--walking distance to the beach!

My last MRI was September 15th, and I got amazing news. The tumor shrunk by about 30% since my last MRI four months ago! I was ecstatic and surprised that it had shrunk so much. This was the by far the best image that I had gotten. My oncologist says that the measurements don't do it justice. The thing shrunk a lot, quite noticeably on the images and he was quite pleased with the results.

Basically, I started out with an egg, that grew to be the size of a grapefruit, and then to a small watermelon. Then in May, it shrunk to be the size of a grapefruit. Now, we call it the size of a lemon. According to the oncologist, the lemon is dead. But it takes a while for the body to rid itself of the dead tissue, so it won't simply disappear overnight, nor would I want it to because that would lead to some major pelvic instability. What we hope to happen is for either scar tissue to take the place of the tumor, or for the sacrum bone (which the tumor ate) to grow back. Anyway, something like that. Don't quote me.

My next MRI will be mid-January, and we hope to see continued shrinkage. I also hope that the nerves that were damaged during radiation start to heal as well. I still have numbness in my left foot, a toe that's also completely numb still. Not a big deal, but it would be nice if those nerves would just come back to life.

One of the best things in my life right now is being able to be physically active again. I'm surfing, and even though I can't pop up as fast as I used to, it feels so good to be in the water, surfing again with friends. About a year ago, when I was headed for surgery, I was told by the doctor that I'd probably never surf again. Yet here I am. Surfing. Five times a week. Getting better and better, stronger and stronger.

Besides surfing, I've been hiking, biking, going to gym, salsa dancing, yoga and building muscles back up. My butt muscles, especially the ones on the left side, have atrophied and due to the nerve damage from radiation may never come back to life. Not having use of these muscles is what makes it hard for me to pop up on a surfboard, or climb steep hills when I'm hiking. But I've been compensating by trying to strengthen other surrounding muscles. Every few weeks, I'll notice that something is becoming easier and less physically demanding, whether it's climbing up stairs, popping up while surfing, hiking, etc. I no longer walk with a limp, which is great because I always dreaded the nosy question from strangers, "What happened to your leg?"

One thing I miss is running. I still can't run because it's too hard on my sacrum, but I just try to focus on the fact that I can do so many other things. I hope to be able to run at some point in the future.

Another amazing feat is that I have gotten 100% off my pain meds. No more narcotics. No more morphine. At the highest dose, I was taking 180mg of morphine each day along with 8 other prescription pain meds! I was taking so much, that at one point, I thought I was more likely to die from the medications than from cancer. But anyway, starting last March, I started decreasing my dose little by little. Step by step. From 160 to 145 to 90 to 60 to 30 to 15mg. Finally, just a few weeks ago, in mid-October, I was finally able to ween myself completely off, so I am so thrilled to say, I am no longer on any prescription medications. I had been on narcotics starting with Norco, then Percocet, then Morphine since February of 2018. One year and 8 months later...I am free. Officially pain-free and drug-free.

Halloween just passed, and I remember last year during Halloween I had to use a walker to walk just two blocks around the neighborhood. I was living at home, unable to drive or sit for very long. This Halloween, I was back out with friends loving life. It's amazing to feel that I've come full circle.

Now that I'm working, going out and having fun with friends, my struggle is trying to strike the balance between stepping back into my fun and socially engaging life and focusing on being healthy, remembering how much healing I still need to do. I feel amazing, but I'm still not out of the woods. I struggle with whether or not I should be able to have a couple drinks when I go out, how restrictive my eating needs to be and trying to have fun without too much restriction. I don't just want to blindly jump back into my old life as if nothing had ever happened, as if everything is 100% Ok. I'm still on a healing journey. There's still MRI's every 4 months and I still need to put my health and wellbeing first. I'm still meditating, taking 30+ supplements daily, and trying to eat healthy.


I'm so grateful for where I am now, for the progress that I've made. For the little things. For being able to walk. For being able to sit. For being able to surf, hike and DANCE. I'm so grateful for all the prayers. They are definitely working. I'm excited to see how far I continue to progress. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. Stay tuned for updates. :)

Winning!!!

Hi Everyone,

It's been a while since my last post, and an update is way overdue. The reason why I haven't posted in so long is because I've gone back to work full-time! I'm back at UCSD Mon-Friday, and I've been doing great. Energy levels are up and I'm having no problems getting through my day. The last time I was at work full-time was over a year ago, so working part-time is great, but working full-time is even better and gives me the feeling of stepping back into life, and leaving behind a very painful and traumatic year. 

So, some close friends and family already know this, but I have news to share. But before I share, let me take a step back and give you the history of my previous MRI's. 

• 4/18/18 .......Tumor --7.1 x 5.6 cm (size of an egg) 
• 6/26/18 .......Tumor --9.6 x 7.6 cm (about the size of a grapefruit) 
• 7/18/18 .......Tumor --10 x 7.9 x 6.8 cm 
• (after this one, I just stopped trying to conceptualize size.) 
• 8/24/18 .......Tumor --11.7 x 8.8 cm 
• 11/12/18 .....Tumor --13.4 x 10 x 12 cm 
• 12/30/18 .....Tumor --13.7 x 10.4 x 12 cm 
• 02/01/19 .....Tumor --14.1 x 10.7 x 12 cm

If you've never had cancer, or a tumor in your body, it might be hard to imagine how insanely scary it is to have an abnormal, life threatening, ever expanding growth taking over your body, invading your organs, taking over nerves and getting bigger and bigger despite very large doses of radiation and 100 other things you are trying to do to stop this thing, turn it around, and basically fight for your life. 

In February, after I saw 14cm, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. But I kept holding on, believing that it would turn around. I didn't know how big it would get, and I couldn't be 100% sure, but I kept just believing that everything would work out, that everything would be Ok. So even though part of me was freaking out, the other part of me was calm. 

In March, I started to feel significantly better and noticed a lot of changes (as you probably read in the last post). But I also didn't think it was due to shrinkage because I still felt the tumor to be about the same size. Well, anyway, in May, I had my most recent scan.

After my scan was finished, I the radiology tech (who was also present at my last scan) asked me, "So what did you do differently this time?" I said, "Nothing, my radiation treatment finished 6 months ago....why?". "Oh, no reason". I didn't think anything of this. "Ok, 3-5 business days to get your results", he said. 

I expected to have high anxiety for the next week, since every previous scan had taken about 5-7 days for them to get back to me with the results. 

The very next morning, I woke up and saw an email that I had been awarded a scholarship all expenses paid to attend  weeklong meditation and healing retreat in Portland, Oregon in July! This retreat (Dr.Joe Dispenza) had 800 available seats and sold out within 4 hours. And it costs over $2000. I was so happy!!! 

Since January, I have been reading books from the author Dr. Joe Dispenza and doing his meditations daily. Doing the meditations was a big turn-around for me, with my mindset. Although I had been meditating since 2016, I noticed different effects with his guided meditations. I started to feel more at peace and less fearful. So I became a big fan of his work, and sent in an application for a scholarship to attend his meditation retreat. I had totally forgotten about it, and when I realized that I had won the scholarship, I felt like I had won the lottery. I was so happy and didn't think that my day could get any better. Except that it did. 

Not even a couple hours later, after running an errand, I walked into the house and my mom stated, "Kaiser called and they said your tumor shrunk." 

Whaaaaaattttt!!!!!!???????? Shrunk??? 

I ran over to my computer, logged into my Kaiser account and saw the report there. And here is what I first saw on the report: 

05/01/19: Tumor--12.7 x 9.6 x 10.9 

Yes!! FINALLY shrinkage. Thank you God! 

Of course, I'm not out of the woods yet, and honestly, even when people are in remission, they are never out of the woods because there's always the high chance of a recurrence. Regardless of a tumor disappearing, or shrinking there will always be the need to make my health the number one priority in my life. But this is finally headed in the right direction. The tables have turned and I've gained the upper hand. I'm headed in the direction of healing. 

A couple days later, I met with my radio-oncologist who confirmed the shrinkage in the imaging as well as the report and said 4 months until the next MRI, which seems like forever since I'm so used to getting them every 2-3 months. But, he said, "Now that it's headed in the right direction, we don't need to scan you as often". And this is fine by me. MRI's can also increase cancer risk due to the high amounts of radiation. Plus, they cause large amounts of anxiety, called "Scanxiety". But anyway.... 

I was so excited! Free scholarship to a retreat, AND tumor shrinkage?! Thank you God! :) 

A few days later, I woke up one morning and it just hit me that there is a connection between my meditations and tumor shrinkage. I didn't think about it before, but the fact that the news of the tumor shrinkage and the the scholarship to the meditation retreat were on the same day, just within a couple hours of each other, sends a message from the universe that the two are connected. The shrinkage could be due to many reasons, the most logical being a delayed response to the radiation. However, I felt that the universe was telling me that I am healing due to my meditation practice. Not just any meditation practice, it's a very intense hour-long, guided meditation that I've been doing religiously every morning. 

It could be just a coincidence, but the mind is a powerful thing, and I don't doubt people who have used their minds to heal. Maybe I'm just starting to tap into that. Maybe not. We shall see. 

The funny thing is that everyone has their own opinion on what's causing the shrinkage. The radio-oncologist of course, says it's a delayed response to the radiation. My chiropractor also alluded to the fact that ever since I started coming in, I've just been getting better and better. My oncologist at the Mexico retreat center, where I spent 3 weeks last summer, and a lot of $$$, says that it's a delayed response to the dendritic cell vaccine. My naturopath says it's most likely because of the 500+ supplements she has me taking every day. Family members would say it's because of their prayers finally being answered. I’m sure it could be all of these things especially the latter. Could it also be my faith that I knew everything somehow, someway would be Ok? 

Everyone can have their own opinion, and that's Ok with me. I think everyone is right. I don't believe in snake oil, and have learned that what often heals cancer is the synergy between all things working together. 

Anyway, the important point is that I'm winning. Winning scholarships and winning the war on cancer. Thank you for reading and have an amazing day!! :) 

Miracles Underway

Dearest Friends and Family, I've been doing so well, miraculously well. Amazing things have been happening since my last post. Miracles are unfolding.

Miracle 1: Back to Teaching 

That's right; I've been feeling so great that I've gone back to work part-time. It's been amazing to be back at UCSD. My colleagues are all so supportive and amazing to work with. I get giddy after teaching my classes. I missed being totally immersed in the teaching experience in which 2 hours of teaching feels like 10 minutes. Love it!

Miracle 2: Totally Pain-Free

Even just a few weeks ago, I would get some pain if I was driving for more than 40 minutes or so. But now, I am experiencing ZERO pain regardless of how long I'm driving. In fact, I am experiencing zero pain in any activity! (fingers crossed :)) This is the absolute BEST part of anything that has happened by far. I do have some discomfort at times, but this is nothing compared to the level of pain that I had experienced months prior. Not even close.

Miracle 3: Back to dancing 

It started with dancing in front of my mirror at home. Then, I proceeded to Zumba. Then, Cumbia and Salsa live (not in my room but actually in public). I'm getting back into the groove. The Shakira-shakin' groove of things. If you know me, you know how much music and dancing enlivens my soul and makes my heart sing.

Cumbia /Salsa dancing at Hacienda de Vega 

Miracle 4: Loving life again 

My whole life, through the lowest of lows, I had never experienced lows like I experienced this past year. During all the ups and downs in my life, I am lucky enough to never have experienced depression. But I got a real taste of it this year when the physical pain that I experienced from the tumor made me want to give up on life at times. I was never suicidal, but at times I just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up so I wouldn't have to deal with the excruciating, unrelenting pain. There was a point when every time I had to get up, it felt like a knife ripping through my sciatic nerve. "Was this going to be my new normal?" I often wondered. There was so much uncertainty. But not anymore. I feel I'm past it.

These days, I've been able to maintain high spirits without any low points. I can't remember the last sad day that I've had or the last time I've cried because ever since  a few months ago, I only find myself in good moods alternating between being at peace, excited, relaxed, at ease, grateful, inspired, etc. I'm just happy to be alive. To be living a pain-free existence. I'm grateful for every day.

I look back at what I've gone through at times, and it almost feels like it happened to somebody else, not me. I'm amazed at the amount of pain I endured. It's amazing the amount of pain (physical or psychological) we are capable of going through. Humans are resilient. I know that I couldn't have done it alone. I got through it because of God, my parents, my sisters and my friends. They all gave me the strength that I needed and I will be forever grateful.

Miracle 5: Increased mobility 

I'm walking faster, getting up, getting down, in and out faster. My physical ability is improving day by day. Previously I felt as if I had the body of an 80-year-old. I needed assistance getting up, getting down, getting in and getting out. I walked at a snail's pace at times. Now, I feel like I have my 36 year old body back and that feels amazing. It's still not perfect, but I appreciate my body and everything it's capable of.

Miracle 6: Decreased pain meds 

Another miracle is that I've been able to reduce my pain medications significantly and am continuing to do so slowly, step by step, milligram by milligram. I won't go into details on the level of pain medications that I've been on, but I will tell you that it was enough to make the doctors very concerned. When there's something the size of a large melon wrapped around several nerve roots invading your sciatic nerve and several organs, it takes a lot of pain medication. I tried reducing them months ago, only to experience horrible pain and withdrawl symptoms even though I was doing it slowly. So I had to go back up on them. I tried again to decrease the doses starting a couple months ago, this time with success.

Other little miracles. I haven't been able to lie on my back for almost a year. I've been sleeping face down for almost a year. Just today, I was able to lie face up, on my back for my Jin Shin Jyutsu treatment for a full hour. I've been lying on the couch reading on my back. It's lovely. The little things. I usually have to drive with my right leg bent at the knee and my foot placed up on the seat, alleviating pressure on the left side. However, lately, I've been able to drive with both legs in front of me, the normal way.


And the tumor? Does this mean it's shrinking?

Not necessarily. I have an MRI coming up in a few weeks. I definitely still feel the mass and it doesn't feel smaller as far as I can tell. I feel that all the positive changes that have been occurring may not be due to shrinkage, but due to my attitude, my thoughts, my feelings, and meditations that have helped me. Many other things could be at play: prayers being answered, increased immunity, energy healings. My chiropractor thinks it's all him haha. It could also be because the tumor tissue is dying, or the inflammation from radiation could have subsided. It could be many things combined.

I fully expect the tumor to shrivel up and die at some point, but at this point, I just believe feeling good comes first and the evidence from MRI reports come later.

Meanwhile, I'm not really focused on that thing. I'm just focused on the fact that I'm feeling GOOD. And I think that's a good sign. I'm happy to share all the miracles with you. I know that I'll continue to feel good, continue to heal and experience more miracles.

That's all the news I have for now. Thank you for the continued support :) Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey.

Healing with Jin Shin Jyutsu

Jin Shin...What?

I know. I had never heard of it either until recently. Under a fortunate sequence events that seem too good to be true, I met Dave, an energy healer, who offered me unlimited energy healing sessions for free.

I know the initial thought when you hear something like this is, "What's in it for him? ...Be careful. That seems suspicious." Except, it just is exactly what it is... a compassionate man who heard my story, intuited somehow that I could use his help, and so he offered it.

So how did it all happen? 

How did I manage to get a healer behind me, helping me to clear emotional energy and assist in my healing?

Well, first of all, a couple times I found myself wishing that I could do more reiki, but because I'm low on funds, I didn't pursue it. I thought to myself: wouldn't it be great if I had a friend to give me free reiki or energy healing sessions? And then I went about my business and simply forgot about the thought.

Then, a couple weeks later, I decided to join a meditation meet-up group. At the first session, having arrived early, I began talking to Dave, the man sitting right next to me. In his late 40's or perhaps early 50's, with a slight and intellectual demeanor, he looked to me more like a university professor than a "healer". We talked and he told me what he did for a living and I told him briefly about my health challenges. After the meditation meet-up session was over, I was walking out the door, when Dave stopped me and gave me his card, stating that he wants to be part of my "healing project". I thanked him profusely and told him I'd call him.

Glancing later at his card, I noticed the words "Jin Shin Jyutsu". I wanted to jump at the opportunity. But first, I had to google it.

What exactly is Jin Shin Jyutsu? 

In a nutshell, Jin Shin Jyutsu (pronounced Jin Shin Jitsu), is an ancient Japanese modality of energy healing. I like to describe it as a combination of acupuncture (without needles) and reflexology. It involves light touch using the hands and fingers along specific meridians to harmonize the body's energy. The fingers are seen as "jumper cables" igniting stuck energy to move throughout the body. There are 26 points in the body where energy is concentrated and specific energy pathways used to allow the flow of energy in order to balance the mind, body and spirit. Another way to think about it is hands-on meditation.

Similar to acupuncture, Jin Shin Jyutsu can be used for a long list of mental, emotional and physical ailments from alleviating stress, clearing trapped emotions, reliving pain and any other chronic or acute condition. It claims to restore energy levels, mental alertness, eliminate fatigue, and increase memory function.

The Treatments: What to Expect 

That week I had my first session of Jin Shin Jyutsu. Dave spent the first 30 minutes mentoring me. He began giving me a ton of literature, books and mentorship. "Change your story", he told me. "Don't give energy or momentum to the illness, to the word 'cancer', which evokes a lot of unnecessary fear... Think that it's already done... Give and receive love through hugs, which are also healing... When you drink water, remember it's not just water. The molecules of water can be altered depending on the energy you put toward the water. Send healing energy toward the water before you drink it". The more he spoke, the more I realized how much of a spiritual teacher he was. I just LOVED and appreciated that I was not only getting FREE energy healing sessions (which I try to pay for but he refuses), but spiritual guidance as well.

Treatments involve lying on a "massage" table fully clothed while he places his hands on various meridian points and holding them there for a few minutes. It's very relaxing and I simply focus on my breathing and visualize stuck energy flowing through my body. I've had 4 treatments and both during and after each session, I feel amazing, similar to how I feel after having had a great massage. After each session, I feel so ethereal that I have to take a 10-15 minute walk to ground myself before I can drive.

Jin Shin Jyutsu can be easily learned and practiced on your own just like Qigong. If you check out some youtube videos, you can teach yourself some simple techniques to incorporate in your everyday life. For example, if you are feeling worried, simply hold one of your thumbs for 3-5 minutes while focusing on your breath, making your breaths longer and more relaxed. It sounds too simple to be effective, but it works. As always, don't knock it until you've tried it.

I love the fact that I simply had the thought of wanting free energy healing, and a couple weeks later I met Dave. I had been thinking of reiki, but really it was just the energy healing that I was wanting. Not only that, but he takes time to also provide healing guidance as well. I am so grateful for this gift!

Energy Healing: 

Energy healing, for those who are unfamiliar with the concept, involves the manipulation of energy (usually) through a practitioner who uses his/her hands (or needles in acupuncture) to remove energetic blocks and restore the flow of energy within a clients' body. Most energy healing modalities are based on ancient eastern practices. However, even massage can be considered energy healing.

I've been reading more and more about how effective energy healing can be. I know many people are skeptical or don't buy into it, and you don't have to. But the more I read about it, especially the science behind it, the more I realize its value especially for healing. More and more studies are coming out demonstrating evidence that energy healing methods such as reiki, jin shin jyutsu, acupuncture, EFT, Qigong, etc. are in fact helpful for healing serious chronic illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. (see below for links to studies) It's not so much that these practices claim to directly heal the ailment, but rather that they release trapped energy so that the body can heal itself.

I'm currently reading a book, "Mind to Matter" by Dawson Church, which explains the science behind energy healing. It's full of mind-blowing facts. For example, studies have demonstrated that cancer can be found in the electromagnetic field surrounding the human body before it manifests in the physical human body. I'm excited about the future of medicine as it's beginning to incorporate more eastern, holistic medical practices including energy healing. I read that some hospitals are incorporating reiki and my insurance, Kaiser, referred me to an on-site acupuncturist, who I've also been receiving treatments from as well.

Try it Out! 

Anyway, ask and you shall receive. If you are interested in trying Jin Shin Jyutsu, and are in San Diego, I highly recommend my friend Dave whose office is in Encinitas. (jsjwithdave@gmail.com) You will not be disappointed.

If you meet him, he will tell you his own amazing story on why he got into jin shin jyutsu himself. It involved a skiing accident and a knee injury that was completely healed through jin shin jyutsu. "I've seen and experienced miracles", he tells me.

Try Jin Shin Jyutsu on your own at home. By holding each finger for 3-5 minutes with your opposite hand while taking slow relaxed breaths, you will harmonize the whole body. Do this for both hands.

Alternatively, if you are feeling worried, hold the thumb for 3-5 minutes to relieve the feeling. If you feel anger, fear, grief or pretense (over-trying), simply hold the corresponding finger for 3-5 minutes.

Simple, yet powerful.

Studies on the Efficacy of Energy Healing 

Distant Energy Healing on AIDS patients 
Disappearing tumors in mice via energy healing

And I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

Months ago I read a beautiful memoir in which the author had been diagnosed with bone cancer and had to have his right leg amputated right below the hip at the age of 25. His cancer returned a year later but was inoperable. After exhausting all treatment including chemotherapy and radiation, the cancer persisted and he was given only a few months left to live. A friend, a spiritual guru-type of friend, suggested the idea of trying to heal his body through meditation. He decided that he had nothing to lose and would give it a shot. Long story short, he did heal himself through meditation and guided imagery, and now is a meditation teacher, facilitating workshops to others on how to heal using the methods he used.

One part of the book that really stuck out to me was when he said that his quality of life now, with one leg, was much better than before, when he'd had two legs. In other words, he was happier now, more content, more at peace with one leg. When I first read that, I was a bit incredulous, yet now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I realize that his contentment most likely stems from what he had learned along the way, through meditation, through healing that brought greater perspective and understanding about the big picture in life. By helping others through his work, he is part of something bigger than himself. He is giving back. He is serving others through his talents and abilities. He is living on purpose.

Now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I can comprehend this feeling through my own experience. I've known and read that overall joy, happiness, contentment is "an inside job", not dependent on our circumstances, and having more to do with perspective and mindset. But I never really experienced it in such a way, until recently.

Would you believe me if I told you that despite no change in my circumstances, despite having a life-threatening health issue, including a scary 14cm tumor threatening to invade my internal organs, I've never felt more at peace than I do now. Call it divine intervention, spiritual surrender, whatever it may be, a serene sense of love has invaded the core of my being and I feel....just at peace. I guess I wouldn't call it "happy" necessarily, but peaceful, content.

Isn't it strange? I feel content, at peace, loving, grateful and serenity, but for no reason. I honestly am at this place where don't mind that I can't surf, or run, go to bootcamp, take a yoga class or do a lot of the things that I used to be able to do, but no longer can. I honestly just don't think about those things. When I was first diagnosed, I used to cry seeing surfers when the waves were just perfect, I now simply watch them with authentic happiness on their behalf. For that guy that just scored an awesome right: I am so stoked for him. I no longer look at healthy people with envy. I see them as loving beings, extensions of myself, my brothers and sisters.

Before my diagnosis, my life was great. I feel I was mostly happy, but stressed out. Impatient. In the back of my mind there were always a million things that I had to do. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. I shouldn't be surfing, I should be working. I had a set list of goals and was always striving to be somewhere I wasn't. I lived in a state of selfish individual pursuit of goals and pleasure. There were so many social events and engagements on the weekends that I never had much time to read that book, meditate or take in much needed quiet time. Deep down, I wanted to be volunteering, giving back. Part of something bigger than myself. And don't let me forget the perpetual stress of always trying to lose weight and be perfect in order to feel like I was enough. I spent so much time and energy trying to be perfect, that I never had the energy to just be myself, or think about the bigger picture.

Recently, I've come into a space of spiritual surrender. I don't know the future. I don't care much about future achievements, how I look or what I "should" be doing. I appreciate the fact that this time has allowed me to read some amazing books, meditate and journal. Doing these things has helped me see a bigger, more clear picture about life. Facing mortality forces us to perceive things differently. We have always heard the cliches that happiness is an inside job, that money doesn't buy happiness, etc. Now, I feel that.

Despite the health issues, I wake up with gratitude. It's almost as if I have forgotten about the cancer, maybe because I don't focus on it. I've been staying focused on all the wonderful things that are in my life, plus the fact that I am not in pain, and I've embraced the unknown. I've detached from the notion that I absolutely have to heal. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I am still doing everything in my power to heal, but I've gotten to a place where I'm okay with any outcome. Whatever happens, happens. I just pray for God's will to come through. I've shed a lot of fears. I'm not afraid to die, though I'm not planning to anytime soon. I believe that where I'll go after death is a more beautiful and loving place than earth. I'm not afraid of the tumor (just kidding :) I kinda am, but trying not to be). I'm not afraid of my illness. I am open to whatever it has to teach me. I am still afraid of suffering and pain, I'll admit. I still need to work on that, among other things.

I'm focusing more on the emotional and spiritual side of healing, which entails a lot of the ideas behind the mind-body connection, how our thought and emotions can contribute to dis-ease in the body. I've been reading books by Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love), Dr. Joe Dispenza (Becoming Supernatural, Evolve the Brain) and Ekhart Tolle (The Power of Now). The lessons in these books have been beautiful and life-changing for me. I've been engaging in mediation, prayer and EFT, which have also helped me a lot.

One thing I was listening to from Dr. Joe Dispenza on YouTube today was that the more stressed we are, the more we are focused on survival emotions, and the more we are focused on our hair, makeup, clothes, how much we weigh, the kind of car we drive, selfish pursuits, time, etc. This gives rise to stress hormones, which can create dis-ease in the body.

On the other hand, when we are focused on elevated emotions of love, gratitude, peace, empowerment, selflessness, inspiration, our bodies cannot secrete stress hormones, and we focus more on our internal environment, selflessness, connecting with others, giving back, and will thus, be more at peace.

Besides this, physically, I've been doing very well. I've been going on 1-2 hour hikes behind my house. I've been driving without pain most of the time, and haven't been held back from doing much, which is great. I think I'm ready to start working, but I want to see myself this way on a consistent basis before I commit. Plus, there's still the possibility of surgery in the near future. Oh yeah, and tumor is stable. Crossing my fingers that all this peacefulness and positivity sticks. :)

As always, I appreciate all the love, light, prayers and healing thoughts sent my way. Thank you for reading. Leave me a comment. Let me know your thoughts :)

Growing Pains

I'm sorry I don't have good news to share with you. My tumor is not shrinking, and to be frank, I'm a little tired of being asked about it. "Has it shrunk yet?" or the simple question of "What's the latest with the tumor?" Every time I've been asked that question, I've had pretty much the same answer, and that is "no change".

I know people mean well, so I don't take it personally. I genuinely enjoy when friends reach out to see how I'm doing in general, but I've grown tired and weary of giving the same old answer or going over specifics of the latest MRI results or when my next MRI will be. Plus, as I stated in my previous posts, it takes 6 months to 2 years for the radiation to work. It does not usually start shrinking tumors immediately, at least in the case of Chordoma. These days, I'm all about hearing what's going on in other people's lives.

What I had been expecting in the latest MRI, (Dec. 30) for that reason, is that it would be the same size, "no change", although, of course, I really hope for shrinkage or deep down, total disappearance of this whole thing. Spontaneous remission. All healed. As if none of it had ever happened. I know it could happen. It's happened to others. But that's not what happened to me, at least not yet (fingers still crossed).

So what did the MRI report?

It didn't disappear. It didn't get smaller. It didn't stay the same size. It grew BIGGER.

This was the one option that I had not even glossed over in my thoughts. Before radiation treatments I was told that the worst most unlikely thing that could happen after treatment would be that it continue growing. But I was reassured that this would be an extremely rare occurrence, so I pretty much decided that it wouldn't happen to me.

So, upon seeing that it GREW in my MRI report, I was shocked, devastated and, between choking out the words to my mom that I was going to die, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Seriously, how could it have grown? I totally lost it. It never even crossed my mind that it would grow after radiation therapy.

I started to ask myself disempowering questions that only made me feel worse. Why didn't I just get surgery? Why was I so stupid? Why is this happening?

My sisters came over. We had a family reunion. It's so good to have family. I talked about the reasons why it could have grown. Was I eating the wrong things? Was it the supplements? Was it just the nature of the tumor? Was it because I stopped doing certain things? I felt so helpless. In June I went to Brazil to see a spiritual healer. In August I dropped $30,000 on an in-patient cancer clinic in Mexico. I went through 43 rounds of 77Gy doses of radiation. I spend my days and nights in meditation and prayer, along with several rounds of energy healing, coupled with a healing diet, And it's still growing.

My sister Rachel helped me realize that I shouldn't feel so stupid about choosing radiation over surgery because I could have had the surgery, then had a reoccurrence (a ~40% chance) and beat myself up over not having had radiation instead. It's hard. I'll never know what would have been the better decision.

Up until this point, I had 100% expected to get past this. I was confident this cancer experience would just be a blip on the radar that I would get through and look back on as something that helped me grow stronger. A challenge to go through just like everyone else. But this. This caused doubts to creep in. Doubts that had never been there before. Doubts about living a full life. Doubts about being able to get past this. Dark thoughts consumed me and I felt tired. Tired of fighting. Ready to give up. I told God before I went to bed that night that it would be Ok with me if I didn't wake up. I just didn't want to go through this anymore.

The next morning I spoke with a patient navigator at the Chordoma Foundation who suggested that I have my tumor sample re-tested because it's possible that I was mis-diagnosed with the type of Chordoma. There are 4 types and I was diagnosed with the conventional, slow-growing type, but since this has been more aggressive and most pathologists don't know the latest techniques on diagnosing the sub-types, she thought that perhaps I may have the more aggressive sub-type. If this is the case, it would explain a lot, but we hope that it is not the case, since this type has a much worse prognosis. She also suggested getting into contact with the UCLA surgeon and see if I'm still a candidate for surgery. So that's what I did and they said that I am a candidate for surgery, but I would be in the hospital for longer and there would be difficulty with the wound healing. They were very concerned that it was still growing and requested copies of my imaging. So I requested another test of my biopsy sample and sent off my imaging to UCLA surgeons.

That afternoon, I spoke to my radio-oncologist, the guy that treated me with the 43 rounds of radiation and had told me that it would be very, very rare for my tumor to continue growing after the radiation. However, he said that when he uploads the images on the computer, the tumor looks like it grew a tiny bit, only millimeters larger than the last one that was done six weeks prior. He said it looks "stable", like there's not enough growth to be heading for surgery. He said that the growth could be "pseudo-progression", meaning swelling or inflammation due to the treatment, not real growth. So, he suggested me getting another MRI in one month to see if that's the case.

I went into his office a few days later and he showed me the last 4-5 MRI's and it's true that there didn't seem to be much difference in the size as far as I could tell. Also, because it's an odd shape, it's hard to measure and the numbers that are reported in the written report should be taken with a grain of salt, because it simply depends on which angle they're measuring from. After seeing him and the images, I did feel better. Maybe it is pseudo-progression.

A few days later, I received an updated MRI report from Kaiser (because the previous one was compared to June, and the radiologist insisted it be compared to the latest one done in Aug. and the one done in Nov). It stated "slow, significant growth" since August. It also stated the dimensions as well for each MRI. According to the report, it seems that the tumor had been growing throughout radiation and afterwards, though slowly. But if that's the case, it also seems that I was being lied to by the radiologist who told me each week during radiation that it was the same. "No change".

So, as of now, I don't really know what's going on. It's bigger. But that could be due to pseudo-progression. Or it could be because it really is growing. Another MRI is next week which will give us  (hopefully) more information. In the meantime, I'm getting the ball rolling to possibly have the surgery, or go into clinical trials.

I'm feeling a lot better mentally. I've overcome the dark thoughts and re-centered, focusing on gratitude and what I can do. I'm so grateful for my family, my friends and the somewhat normal life that I'm still able to maintain. I'm not in as much pain as I was a few weeks ago. I'm still able to go for long walks and drive short distances. In December, I tried tapering off a medication and unfortunately this made my pain much worse, so I went back on and have been doing much better since. As long as I can walk outside in the fresh outdoors, I am more than happy. I'm enjoying the time to read, journal, meditate, meet with friends, pray and write.

I tried to return to work, but my pain flared up unexpectedly a week before classes started, sadly causing me to cancel on going back to work. A few days later, however, I started to feel better as if I were able to go back to work. But I missed the boat. Perhaps next semester. It's as if my pain is my guidance system and I wasn't meant to go back to work just yet. Trying my best to stay positive and surrender to the ups and downs. This is a real-life rollercoaster.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers, positive vibes and support. I am so grateful for everyone! Thank you for reading.