It's been a while since my last post, and an update is way overdue. The reason why I haven't posted in so long is because I've gone back to work full-time! I'm back at UCSD Mon-Friday, and I've been doing great. Energy levels are up and I'm having no problems getting through my day. The last time I was at work full-time was over a year ago, so working part-time is great, but working full-time is even better and gives me the feeling of stepping back into life, and leaving behind a very painful and traumatic year.
So, some close friends and family already know this, but I have news to share. But before I share, let me take a step back and give you the history of my previous MRI's.
- 4/18/18 .......Tumor --7.1 x 5.6 cm (size of an egg)
- 6/26/18 .......Tumor --9.6 x 7.6 cm (about the size of a grapefruit)
- 7/18/18 .......Tumor --10 x 7.9 x 6.8 cm
- (after this one, I just stopped trying to conceptualize size.)
- 8/24/18 .......Tumor --11.7 x 8.8 cm
- 11/12/18 .....Tumor --13.4 x 10 x 12 cm
- 12/30/18 .....Tumor --13.7 x 10.4 x 12 cm
- 02/01/19 .....Tumor --14.1 x 10.7 x 12 cm
If you've never had cancer, or a tumor in your body, it might be hard to imagine how insanely scary it is to have an abnormal, life threatening, ever expanding growth taking over your body, invading your organs, taking over nerves and getting bigger and bigger despite very large doses of radiation and 100 other things you are trying to do to stop this thing, turn it around, and basically fight for your life.
In February, after I saw 14cm, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. But I kept holding on, believing that it would turn around. I didn't know how big it would get, and I couldn't be 100% sure, but I kept just believing that everything would work out, that everything would be Ok. So even though part of me was freaking out, the other part of me was calm.
In March, I started to feel significantly better and noticed a lot of changes (as you probably read in the last post). But I also didn't think it was due to shrinkage because I still felt the tumor to be about the same size. Well, anyway, in May, I had my most recent scan.
After my scan was finished, I the radiology tech (who was also present at my last scan) asked me, "So what did you do differently this time?" I said, "Nothing, my radiation treatment finished 6 months ago....why?". "Oh, no reason". I didn't think anything of this. "Ok, 3-5 business days to get your results", he said.
I expected to have high anxiety for the next week, since every previous scan had taken about 5-7 days for them to get back to me with the results.
The very next morning, I woke up and saw an email that I had been awarded a scholarship all expenses paid to attend weeklong meditation and healing retreat in Portland, Oregon in July! This retreat (Dr.Joe Dispenza) had 800 available seats and sold out within 4 hours. And it costs over $2000. I was so happy!!!
Since January, I have been reading books from the author Dr. Joe Dispenza and doing his meditations daily. Doing the meditations was a big turn-around for me, with my mindset. Although I had been meditating since 2016, I noticed different effects with his guided meditations. I started to feel more at peace and less fearful. So I became a big fan of his work, and sent in an application for a scholarship to attend his meditation retreat. I had totally forgotten about it, and when I realized that I had won the scholarship, I felt like I had won the lottery. I was so happy and didn't think that my day could get any better. Except that it did.
Not even a couple hours later, after running an errand, I walked into the house and my mom stated, "Kaiser called and they said your tumor shrunk."
Whaaaaaattttt!!!!!!???????? Shrunk???
I ran over to my computer, logged into my Kaiser account and saw the report there. And here is what I first saw on the report:
05/01/19: Tumor--12.7 x 9.6 x 10.9
Yes!! FINALLY shrinkage. Thank you God!
Of course, I'm not out of the woods yet, and honestly, even when people are in remission, they are never out of the woods because there's always the high chance of a recurrence. Regardless of a tumor disappearing, or shrinking there will always be the need to make my health the number one priority in my life. But this is finally headed in the right direction. The tables have turned and I've gained the upper hand. I'm headed in the direction of healing.
A couple days later, I met with my radio-oncologist who confirmed the shrinkage in the imaging as well as the report and said 4 months until the next MRI, which seems like forever since I'm so used to getting them every 2-3 months. But, he said, "Now that it's headed in the right direction, we don't need to scan you as often". And this is fine by me. MRI's can also increase cancer risk due to the high amounts of radiation. Plus, they cause large amounts of anxiety, called "Scanxiety". But anyway....
I was so excited! Free scholarship to a retreat, AND tumor shrinkage?! Thank you God! :)
A few days later, I woke up one morning and it just hit me that there is a connection between my meditations and tumor shrinkage. I didn't think about it before, but the fact that the news of the tumor shrinkage and the the scholarship to the meditation retreat were on the same day, just within a couple hours of each other, sends a message from the universe that the two are connected. The shrinkage could be due to many reasons, the most logical being a delayed response to the radiation. However, I felt that the universe was telling me that I am healing due to my meditation practice. Not just any meditation practice, it's a very intense hour-long, guided meditation that I've been doing religiously every morning.
It could be just a coincidence, but the mind is a powerful thing, and I don't doubt people who have used their minds to heal. Maybe I'm just starting to tap into that. Maybe not. We shall see.
The funny thing is that everyone has their own opinion on what's causing the shrinkage. The radio-oncologist of course, says it's a delayed response to the radiation. My chiropractor also alluded to the fact that ever since I started coming in, I've just been getting better and better. My oncologist at the Mexico retreat center, where I spent 3 weeks last summer, and a lot of $$$, says that it's a delayed response to the dendritic cell vaccine. My naturopath says it's most likely because of the 500+ supplements she has me taking every day. Family members would say it's because of their prayers finally being answered. I’m sure it could be all of these things especially the latter. Could it also be my faith that I knew everything somehow, someway would be Ok?
Everyone can have their own opinion, and that's Ok with me. I think everyone is right. I don't believe in snake oil, and have learned that what often heals cancer is the synergy between all things working together.
Anyway, the important point is that I'm winning. Winning scholarships and winning the war on cancer. Thank you for reading and have an amazing day!! :)
