Months ago I read a beautiful memoir in which the author had been diagnosed with bone cancer and had to have his right leg amputated right below the hip at the age of 25. His cancer returned a year later but was inoperable. After exhausting all treatment including chemotherapy and radiation, the cancer persisted and he was given only a few months left to live. A friend, a spiritual guru-type of friend, suggested the idea of trying to heal his body through meditation. He decided that he had nothing to lose and would give it a shot. Long story short, he did heal himself through meditation and guided imagery, and now is a meditation teacher, facilitating workshops to others on how to heal using the methods he used.
One part of the book that really stuck out to me was when he said that his quality of life now, with one leg, was much better than before, when he'd had two legs. In other words, he was happier now, more content, more at peace with one leg. When I first read that, I was a bit incredulous, yet now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I realize that his contentment most likely stems from what he had learned along the way, through meditation, through healing that brought greater perspective and understanding about the big picture in life. By helping others through his work, he is part of something bigger than himself. He is giving back. He is serving others through his talents and abilities. He is living on purpose.
Now that I'm a little farther along in my journey, I can comprehend this feeling through my own experience. I've known and read that overall joy, happiness, contentment is "an inside job", not dependent on our circumstances, and having more to do with perspective and mindset. But I never really experienced it in such a way, until recently.
Would you believe me if I told you that despite no change in my circumstances, despite having a life-threatening health issue, including a scary 14cm tumor threatening to invade my internal organs, I've never felt more at peace than I do now. Call it divine intervention, spiritual surrender, whatever it may be, a serene sense of love has invaded the core of my being and I feel....just at peace. I guess I wouldn't call it "happy" necessarily, but peaceful, content.
Isn't it strange? I feel content, at peace, loving, grateful and serenity, but for no reason. I honestly am at this place where don't mind that I can't surf, or run, go to bootcamp, take a yoga class or do a lot of the things that I used to be able to do, but no longer can. I honestly just don't think about those things. When I was first diagnosed, I used to cry seeing surfers when the waves were just perfect, I now simply watch them with authentic happiness on their behalf. For that guy that just scored an awesome right: I am so stoked for him. I no longer look at healthy people with envy. I see them as loving beings, extensions of myself, my brothers and sisters.
Before my diagnosis, my life was great. I feel I was mostly happy, but stressed out. Impatient. In the back of my mind there were always a million things that I had to do. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. I shouldn't be surfing, I should be working. I had a set list of goals and was always striving to be somewhere I wasn't. I lived in a state of selfish individual pursuit of goals and pleasure. There were so many social events and engagements on the weekends that I never had much time to read that book, meditate or take in much needed quiet time. Deep down, I wanted to be volunteering, giving back. Part of something bigger than myself. And don't let me forget the perpetual stress of always trying to lose weight and be perfect in order to feel like I was enough. I spent so much time and energy trying to be perfect, that I never had the energy to just be myself, or think about the bigger picture.
Recently, I've come into a space of spiritual surrender. I don't know the future. I don't care much about future achievements, how I look or what I "should" be doing. I appreciate the fact that this time has allowed me to read some amazing books, meditate and journal. Doing these things has helped me see a bigger, more clear picture about life. Facing mortality forces us to perceive things differently. We have always heard the cliches that happiness is an inside job, that money doesn't buy happiness, etc. Now, I feel that.
Despite the health issues, I wake up with gratitude. It's almost as if I have forgotten about the cancer, maybe because I don't focus on it. I've been staying focused on all the wonderful things that are in my life, plus the fact that I am not in pain, and I've embraced the unknown. I've detached from the notion that I absolutely have to heal. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I am still doing everything in my power to heal, but I've gotten to a place where I'm okay with any outcome. Whatever happens, happens. I just pray for God's will to come through. I've shed a lot of fears. I'm not afraid to die, though I'm not planning to anytime soon. I believe that where I'll go after death is a more beautiful and loving place than earth. I'm not afraid of the tumor (just kidding :) I kinda am, but trying not to be). I'm not afraid of my illness. I am open to whatever it has to teach me. I am still afraid of suffering and pain, I'll admit. I still need to work on that, among other things.
I'm focusing more on the emotional and spiritual side of healing, which entails a lot of the ideas behind the mind-body connection, how our thought and emotions can contribute to dis-ease in the body. I've been reading books by Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love), Dr. Joe Dispenza (Becoming Supernatural, Evolve the Brain) and Ekhart Tolle (The Power of Now). The lessons in these books have been beautiful and life-changing for me. I've been engaging in mediation, prayer and EFT, which have also helped me a lot.
One thing I was listening to from Dr. Joe Dispenza on YouTube today was that the more stressed we are, the more we are focused on survival emotions, and the more we are focused on our hair, makeup, clothes, how much we weigh, the kind of car we drive, selfish pursuits, time, etc. This gives rise to stress hormones, which can create dis-ease in the body.
On the other hand, when we are focused on elevated emotions of love, gratitude, peace, empowerment, selflessness, inspiration, our bodies cannot secrete stress hormones, and we focus more on our internal environment, selflessness, connecting with others, giving back, and will thus, be more at peace.
Besides this, physically, I've been doing very well. I've been going on 1-2 hour hikes behind my house. I've been driving without pain most of the time, and haven't been held back from doing much, which is great. I think I'm ready to start working, but I want to see myself this way on a consistent basis before I commit. Plus, there's still the possibility of surgery in the near future. Oh yeah, and tumor is stable. Crossing my fingers that all this peacefulness and positivity sticks. :)
As always, I appreciate all the love, light, prayers and healing thoughts sent my way. Thank you for reading. Leave me a comment. Let me know your thoughts :)
